


I Didn’t Notice

by sirrriusblack



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Remus Lupin, Child Abuse, Gay Sirius Black, Gay pininggggg, Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, all of the fun things, body image issues, clearly, like alllll the gay pining, serious topics like, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:27:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 37,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22971742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirrriusblack/pseuds/sirrriusblack
Summary: Sirius has his first real crush and no one knows who it is. James bets he will find out who Sirius fancies before the Christmas feast.* * *“I made it pretty bloody obvious,” Sirius winked at me. I shook my head.“I didn’t notice,” I told him.* * *NOTE: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, all credit goes to JK Rowling for that one :)
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 107
Kudos: 217





	1. Let’s Make A Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Padfoot and Prongs make a bet and Remus isn't too sure how to feel about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Mentions of child abuse and eating issues.

I stopped right where I was and bunched up the cuffs of my sweater in my hands as I rounded the corner. James, Peter and Sirius were all sitting cross-legged in the shade of a tree next to the lake. James cracked a smug smile, causing all three of them to laugh, the sound pure and light. No one was there when I’d woken up in the hospital wing around noon—aching from head to toe—but I knew they’d visited and had probably stayed all night. Or at least until Madame Pomfrey told them to go to bed. They’d laid a fresh change of clothes on the armchair next to me along with an assortment of chocolates. But they hadn’t come back. They knew I’d want them gone when I woke up. They knew I’d get pissed if I woke up and realised they’d been sitting there for half the day waiting for me to get up. Not pissed at them. No, at myself. I took up too much of their time and energy. Too much of their life. Those three boys sitting in the shade of that tree next to the glistening water with pure joy in their eyes, they were the only reason I made it through my monthly transformations. They wanted to help, I knew that, but by taking a load off my shoulders, by lightening the dark patches under my eyes and lifting the sagging in my posture, they themselves heaved that burden—my burden—onto their own shoulders. That joy in their faces would turn solemn, exhausted, and concerned when they locked eyes with the fresh scars and bruises littering my skin. Their eyes would turn dull as they pictured the previous nights’ transformation and imagined the next one. I was too much of a burden on my friends. I blinked the sun from my eyes and turned around, a second too late.

“Oi! Moony, where are you going?” I took a deep breath and braced myself for the concern, poorly disguised by faint smiles and quick blinks to hide how tired they really were. I turned around and walked over to the tree. And there was no bad acting or even a mention of the monster that I had become—that I was. They continued on with their conversation as soon as I sat down and leaned my back against the tree trunk. The fact that they’d left the spot with the most support for my aching muscles may have been the only sign that they had even given a thought to my... condition. I tuned into the conversation, pushing the doubts that I shouldn’t have had out of my mind.

“Alright. I’ll make you a bet.” James said. Peter, Sirius and I groaned simultaneously. James looked offended. “Come on Padfoot, at least hear me out.” Sirius looked at me but shrugged to James, giving him a pass to continue.  
“What’s this about?” I interrupted. I cursed my hoarse voice. I’d only spoken two words today; a thank you to Madame Pomfrey on my way out of the hospital wing. No one seemed to notice, though, and Peter explained.  
“Sirius fancies someone.” He told me, nodding in Sirius’ direction. “But, fancies-fancies. Not just-fancies-a-screw—" Sirius glared at him— "but, seriously-fancies-the-idea-of-being-with-this-person.” I locked eyes with Sirius. His black hair—which he’d grown out to his shoulders the previous year to spite his mother—was fluttering faintly in the autumn breeze, and his grey eyes shone with amusement. I wondered who it was that had caught the attention of ‘Hogwarts’ heartthrob’. It must be someone special if he really liked them. “But he won’t tell us who, and James is determined to find out.” Pete finished. A splashing sound came from the lake and Sirius and I whipped our heads toward the water in hope of seeing the enormous squid that lived in it. All four of us had a bet going on whether or not we’d see the thing by the time we graduated. Sirius and I reckoned we would. No luck so far. James and Pete reckoned all hope should be abandoned. All the luck so far. I looked down to Sirius’ right hand; his middle and index finger were wrapped around each other like he was begging for luck to be on his side. But the water appeared undisturbed and Sirius balled the very same hand into a fist and hit the ground in exaggerated frustration. I cracked a smile. The small, silver feather hanging from his ear glinted in the sunlight.

“As I was saying,” James said, irritated that he’d been interrupted. “I’m betting that I will figure out who you fancy by, let’s say, the Christmas feast. Provided we’re all staying for the winter break.” James looked around at all of us to confirm his suspicions. He didn’t look to Sirius for his confirmation. It wasn’t like Sirius would be anywhere far from James’ side. He’d moved in with the Potters before school had gone back, due to... unrest at home. “And,” James continued. “If I don’t have the right answer by then, you have to tell us who it is anyway,” Sirius rolled his eyes at that. We all did, actually. “but, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I was wrong.” James scoffed as if this would never happen.  
Sirius considered this for a moment. “Alright, but if I win, you have to do whatever I say for any day and night of my choosing.” Sirius linked his hands together and smiled at the idea of bossing James around.  
“Deal. But if I win, I get to choose a colour for you to charm your hair for a week.” Sirius winced while subconsciously reaching a hand up to touch his hair. Reluctantly, he nodded. “Also I have until the end of the feast to come up with my answer.” He demanded. “Oh! And I get questions.” Sirius raised his eyebrows.  
“You only get to ask questions that I can answer with yes or no. And only from the start of the feast.” Sirius negotiated.  
James nodded. “It’s a deal.” He said reaching his hand out to Sirius.  
“It’s a deal,” Sirius repeated. There was almost no way James would find out who he fancied then. Sirius would never put his hair on the line unless he was absolutely sure he’d win. I guess we’d have to see.

* * *

I was sitting in the armchair James and I may or may not have taken from the common room and dragged up to our dorm with our lacklustre second-year magic skills. I had a book propped open against my knees—which were huddled into my chest on the chair—but I couldn’t seem to focus on the words. I was always like this after a transformation. It was like my brain hadn’t completely rewired itself when I’d turned back. Sirius was leaning against the arm of the chair looking at the book in my hands, apparently more interested in it then I was. I looked up at him. He looked exhausted. I couldn’t imagine what he’d gone through this summer. Sirius had put up with so much shit in his life. What had been the final straw that sent him running? James had said in a letter he’d sent me the week before school had started, that Sirius hadn’t even told _him _what had happened. Only that he’d shown up at his house, bruised like no tomorrow and asked for a place to stay.__

____

“You alright Moony?” I snapped back into the present, where a confused Sirius was watching me watch him.  
“Yeah, sorry mate, I zoned out.” Sirius smiled. A faint bruise still adorned his left eye, which was unusual. His mother usually hit where no one could see.  
“Got lost in my beauty did you?” He asked, winking at me. I scoffed.  
“You wish Padfoot,” I replied. Sirius snorted. He pushed himself off the armchair and headed over to his bed to lie on his back in the sun. Sometimes his animagus form really proved right. After a short silence, I spoke. “So, what about this bet?” I inquired. Sirius laughed.  
“I’m not telling you who it is, Moony. I’m not giving James any advantages.” I was shocked.  
“As if I’d tell James! Come on Padfoot, it’s me.” I reasoned. He was buying none of it. He draped an arm adorned with all sorts of wristbands over his head and looked at me.  
“Exactly. Remus, for someone that has such a big secret, you’re so bad at keeping them.” When my face twisted into a look of outrage, Sirius cracked up laughing. “It’s not like you’d purposely tell anyone, you’re 100% loyal, mate. You’re just really... obvious.” Sirius admitted. How. Rude.  
“I am not obvious. I’m great at keeping secrets.” I declared.

____

__“That is absolute bullshit, Lupin.” James interrupted as he walked into the dorm. Peter followed close behind him, nodding his head in agreement. Just this morning I’d been wondering how I’d been blessed with such wonderful friends. Turns out they’re all little shits. “You are the most obvious person I know. Except for when it comes to teachers. You’re brilliant at lying to teachers.” I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or an insult.  
“Assholes. The lot of you.” I said. They all laughed. I got up from the chair and left my book on the seat of it before heading into the bathroom, all the while muttering obscenities at all three of them._ _

____

* * *

____

I wrapped my towel around my waist as I stepped out of the shower. The fogged up mirror showed a blurred outline of my head down to my bare chest. As the fog cleared, various cuts and bruises showed up on my skin, fresh ones, old ones, ones that I hadn’t even realised I’d had. It was like this all the time. Madame Pomfrey tried her best to heal most of them and it was thanks to her that I wasn’t just completely one big scar, but there were some that even expert healers couldn’t fix. And I’d received many of them. Most people think that a person blacks out when they turn into their wolf form. They’re wrong. I remember all of it. All of my wicked thoughts, how I drool at the thought of blood, how all I need is a way out, something to kill. I’d been told that I couldn’t control what I was thinking, and maybe I couldn’t, but it was still me that was thinking it.

“You okay Remus?” Peter knocked on the door. I released a breath I hadn’t realised I’d been holding and fogged up the mirror all over again.  
“Yeah, give me a second,” I replied, throwing a shirt over my half-dry form. How long had I been standing there? After I’d finished getting dressed, I unlocked the door and walked out of the bathroom, drying my hair with my towel. “Hey,” I said to Peter, who was leaning against one of the posts of his bed. He nodded back. “Where’d James and Sirius go?”  
“Dinner. I was just waiting for you to get out of the shower.” I looked out the window. The sun was setting, casting an orange and pink glow over the grounds. The forest was a shadow on the horizon and its twisted trees were somehow beautiful against the darkening sky. The four of us had spent most of the afternoon out by the lake and had only come inside when James remembered he had a charms essay due the next day. He then proceeded to try to persuade Peter, me, Sirius and even Lily to let him cheat. Which was stupid, it wasn’t like James was bad at Charms. No one had said yes. I’d been planning on doing homework but couldn’t get myself to work my brain. Instead, I’d spent the rest of the day talking to Sirius and eating the chocolate they’d left me.  
“You coming?” Peter asked as he walked towards the door. I pulled my robes on over a tattered sweater and tied my shoes before I followed him out the door. 

____

By the time we got to the Great Hall, the roof was littered with glittering stars and clouds. I looked at the moon poking out behind a cloud and shuddered.  
“Oi! Pete!” Sirius yelled when he saw us from across the hall. We walked over to where they were sitting, plates piled with various pies and cakes, and I wondered whether they’d already eaten dinner or had just gone straight into the desserts. We’d been back at school for just under a month and a half, had settled into sixth year and back into our usual routines, but James and Sirius still hadn’t stopped eating. I didn’t blame them though. Last night the moon had risen earlier than we’d predicted and there’d been no time for dinner in between getting me from the castle to the shack before the moon had shown its face. So tonight, with nothing to worry about, I guessed that James and Sirius had taken full advantage of the never-ending supply of perfectly cooked food. “I’ve got an idea for our next prank.” James started, watching Peter for a suspiciously long amount of time.  
“Yeah?” Pete sat down, concern crossing his face. I also sat. Sirius, next to me, was grinning like an idiot. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for this one.  
“Okay, so here’s how it goes. The end goal is to cause the utmost chaos possible in this very room.” This already sounded ridiculous. “We’re not a hundred percent sure that it’ll work but, I mean, it probably will. Right Sirius?”  
“Probably.” Sirius agreed.  
“Exactly,” James had leaned forward and was utterly focused on his plan.

When he got like this, it was almost like he was a different person. He was truly passionate. James pushed his glasses up his nose and continued, hazel eyes wide. “So, basically, Wormtail will come into the Great Hall, but in his—“James' eyes darted around and he realised he was surrounded by hundreds of people. “Uh, but... he’ll be... furry.” We all rolled our eyes. And _I _was the obvious one. “So he’ll come in and everyone will freak out, because, you know, rodents.” James shrugged then added a quick, “sorry mate,” to Peter. He sent a glare James’ way. James ignored it. “But here’s the catch; we _engorgio_ Wormtail and watch as all hell breaks loose.” James finished, beaming. There was a short silence before Peter spoke.__

____

“Absolutely not!” He yelled, causing quite a few heads to turn our way. I couldn’t help it. I cracked up laughing. “This isn’t funny Remus! There is no way you—“ Pete had also only just seemed to realise he was surrounded by hundreds of people and stopped before he could say anything but, “no.”  
“Ugh, why not?” Sirius groaned, seeming to take Peter’s lack of enthusiasm to heart.  
“Because—“ I stopped talking and lost it again. The boys were looking at me like I was a mad man. I calmed down. “Because don’t you think everyone might be trying to find a way to get rid of and possibly _kill_ the massive—“ I chuckled again. “The massive rodent in the middle of the dining area?”  
“And plus, I might not even make it through the _engorgio_ anyway. Or—or I might get stuck like that.” Peter added. “Why are you laughing Remus?” I’d gone back to my cackling the second Pete had said _engorgio_.  
“Because the prank is great, but Padfoot and Prongs have it all wrong.” James and Sirius seemed not to know whether to look appreciative or offended.  
“It’s just—no.” Pete finished the conversation and the four of us filled our plates—or refilled in James and Sirius’ case— while I tried my best to keep a straight face. The prank sounded awesome. But clearly, James and Sirius were idiots.

____

“Can I make a suggestion?” I asked, biting my lips to keep from smiling. Sirius nodded. “Um, what if we just got a real rat? Or like, a spider or something that’s not—“ I couldn’t help it. I cracked up again ”not Wormtail.” I pointed out, grinning. Peter and Sirius halted their conversation and James looked up from the food he’d been shovelling in his mouth.  
“What?” James said through a mouthful of apple pie.  
“Instead of Wormtail ‘cause, you know, they might kill him—“ Wormtail let out a squeak. “what if we just enlarged an average rat?” James’ eyes widened and he swallowed his food.  
“Brilliant, Moony. You’re bloody brilliant.” I scoffed at James.  
“Mate, how did we not think of that?” Sirius exclaimed.  
“Because you guys are dickheads.” I laughed. Sirius punched me in the arm.

____

__“Fuck off, Moony.” I smiled at him. Nothing was strange, or off-kilter. I didn’t know why I thought it would be. Why I thought my friends would abandon me after all they’d gone through to help me. I mean, they’d taken a month’s vow of silence for me. That was a very peaceful month for me, I’m not going to lie, but I’m sure it was really difficult for James, Peter and Sirius to keep their traps shut for that long and not swallow the mandrake leaves they’d kept in their mouths the whole time.  
“See, we make a great team, guys.” James smiled. “Sirius and I come up with the _semi_ stupid-ideas,” Peter coughed and muttered something under his breath. James chose to ignore this. “Pete points out the problems and refuses the stupid ideas, and Moony solves the stupid ideas. Great system.” I rolled my eyes at him. He was an idiot._ _

______ _ _

“Hey, Evans!” James waved at Lily, who’d taken a seat a few metres down the table. Her eyes widened, probably as shocked as I was that James had said something civil to her. She waved back nervously before piling a bunch of roast potatoes onto her plate. James quickly nudged Sirius. “She waved back Pads!” He exclaimed, ecstatic.  
“So what?” Pete asked, confused at James’ excitement.  
“So what? _So what? _” James leant forward with no concern for the gravy pot his shirt was nearly dipping into. “So she hasn’t acknowledged me at all since the prank last year—uh... sorry Moony.” He quickly added.  
I winced and locked eyes with Sirius. I wished I hadn’t.__

He’d pulled a prank on Snape last year, had told him how to follow me to the Shrieking Shack one full moon. He’d done it; of course he had, it was Snivellus. When I found out Snape hadn’t followed me on his own accord and that Padfoot had nudged him toward it, I was furious. I didn’t talk to Sirius for weeks, even though Snape—for some unknown reason—hadn’t told anyone. Not yet anyway. I’d forgiven Sirius, but it was still a fragile subject.  
I shrugged. The prank had also fucked up whatever chance James had with Lily—she thought he’d done something to Snape, even if she didn’t know what and even if she wasn’t talking to Severus anymore. She was beyond pissed. Almost as mad as me. I cleared my throat.  
I cleared my throat. “I’m full. I’m gonna go back to the dorm.” I made to leave, but a hand closed around my wrist. James.  
“No, you’re not. Look, mate, I’m sorry I brought it up but you need to eat. All you’ve had today is chocolate.” His hazel eyes bore into me until I sat back down with a huff, pointedly not looking at Sirius. “Good. Now eat.” I did as he said and ate the rest of the food on my plate, and even though I didn’t talk for the rest of dinner, I still waited until everyone else was done and we all walked back to the dorm together. 


	2. Pretty Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus can't get the bet (or Sirius, for that matter) off of his mind. That is, until a nightmare of a different sort becomes his priority.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: This chapter contains mentions and slight descriptions of child abuse, night terrors and panic attacks.

For the next week, I couldn’t stop thinking about the bet. Sirius had never liked anyone. I mean, he’d had a small crush here and there, but he’d never seriously liked someone. It was bugging me, tugging on some chord in my gut. I didn’t like it. Maybe it was just some after the full moon thing, but I found myself looking around the classroom in Charms wondering who it might be. Watching every glance Sirius threw in some girl’s direction, every wink and nod trying to decipher what was real and what was for show. I also possibly found myself staring at him on a...few occasions, but I chose to ignore that for the most part. The only problem was, now was one of those occasions, and I couldn’t seem to ignore it. Sirius was lying on his stomach in front of the fire in the common room, pulling a face at whatever he was reading from the book in front of him. His long black hair was pulled into a bun and was being kept up by his wand. My hands itched to pull it out, to watch his hair fall around his face, watch his hand push a strand of it behind his ear. He bit his lip as he looked from the parchment to the book and finally scribbled something down. His shirt was hitched up slightly, revealing a slither of skin. I think I actually sighed.

“Remus?” said Lily, who was sitting next to me, helping me with a potions essay I just wasn’t getting. The firelight dancing over Sirius’ face definitely wasn’t helping.  
“Yeah?” I dragged my eyes away from Padfoot and looked at Lily. Her eyebrows were raised.  
“Did you hear what I said, or were you too busy staring at the pretty boy by the fire?” She smirked. I straightened in my seat.  
“Be quiet, he might—I mean... uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I quickly saved myself, crossing my arms. Or maybe I didn’t save myself.  
“You’re only lying to yourself, Remus.” She told me, shaking her head. She was very right. “So here, you need to explain the effects of amortentia and the consequences of using it to change—Remus!” Lily snapped. My gaze had drifted back to Sirius, who was now scribbling away like there was no tomorrow.  
“He does look pretty, doesn’t he?” I immediately regretted saying it and quickly slammed my hand over my mouth, but it was too late. Lily was grinning like an idiot, her green eyes blazing, before her face turned solemn.  
“You’re hopeless, Lupin, and it’s adorable and all, but if you don’t focus, I’m going to bed. And this is due tomorrow.” I glanced back at Sirius one more time and turned my back to him.  
“You’re right. Where were we?” Lily smirked and continued explaining exactly what was wrong with my essay.  
“Slughorn is very... extravagant. You’ve said here that while amortentia smells different to each person, depending on what attracts them, it affects everybody nearly the same way.” I nodded, confirming everything she’d just said. I thought I’d worded it nicely. “You need to spice it up. Put in words like love and desire and passion. Slughorn loves drama. Use it.” Apparently not, then. I sighed. This was going to be a long night.

I finally fell onto my bed at two-thirty in the morning. James and Pete had gone upstairs cackling like idiots—I didn’t question it—at around ten and Sirius had closed his book and carried his work up to the dorm not long after that. But Lily and I, well... we started playing a game of wizard chess sometime around eleven and had only stopped—after playing many rounds because Lily kept insisting that I was just fluking and that she would beat me—and gone back to my potions essay at about one-thirty. Lily didn’t beat me. I pulled my wand out and started murmuring incantations. It was routine, by now, that I cast protective charms over our dorm every night. I knew that in a fight against a death eater, I knew enough defence, but I most likely wouldn’t win. I was good at Defence Against The Dark Arts and I could duel pretty well, but against a dark-magic-experienced death eater? Probably not. I figured the least I could do was try to protect the others. James was breathing so loudly it sounded like there was a microphone in front of him and Pete was snoring softly every now and again. I’d learned to shut it out after about two months of sharing a dorm with them. But those two months were agony, let me tell you. Sirius had never made noise in his sleep; ‘It must be Pete or James because—and I will only say this once—Sirius Orion Black does not snore!’ He’d gotten very offended at that accusation. He did, though, occasionally talk in his sleep. Only very few words and only every now and again, but it was usually the result of a night terror or the like. Sometimes he was completely silent until he violently jolted awake, sweating and sobbing. But tonight Sirius was loud. He was thrashing around, tangling himself in the blanket and swearing under his breath. I jumped from my bed to his and grabbed his shoulders.

“Sirius!” I whisper-shouted, shaking him awake. It didn’t work; he pushed me away.  
“No—no! Stop! I’m sorry!” he cried. I ran forward and tried again, shaking him harder. “Don’t take it! Please! No!”  
“Padfoot! Wake up!” He jolted up, chest heaving and shirt sticking to his body. I raised my voice when he pulled his wand on me. “It’s me! It’s Remus.” I climbed on the bed in front of him with my hands still on his shoulders.  
“Remus?” He ran a hand through his tangled hair. I heard James stir and move positions in his bed.  
“Yeah, hey,” I said, lowering my voice. I moved my hands, my heart skipping a beat. Sirius’ eyes were wide with fear as he took in the room around him.  
“Remus...” he whispered again. I could almost feel what he must be feeling; the room closing around him, the weight on his chest getting heavier, the air getting thicker. I’d felt the same thing many times. I was already up when Sirius bolted to the bathroom and my hands were already pulling his hair away from his face as he hurled his dinner up. After a minute or so, Sirius flushed the toilet and leaned his back against the coolness of the tiles. I didn’t say anything, just sat across from him. 

“Did I wake you up? What’s the time?” he finally asked, locking eyes with me. His breathing had slowed to a steady pace and he looked calm, despite his tangled hair and limp body. Body, because he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Now wasn’t the time. I loosed a breath.  
“It’s around 2:30—but I was doing homework anyway, you didn’t wake me,” I quickly reassured him. I moved my leg away from the moonlight leaking through the bathroom window. Like I was a vampire under the sun. Quite the opposite, I supposed. I shook my head, looking back to Sirius. “Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked, not sure if it was the right question.  
He exhaled through his nose. “I’m—I don’t know.” Sirius rubbed his hand across his eyes like it might clear his head of the thoughts he no doubt wanted gone. I nodded.  
“I finally finished my amortentia essay. Lily helped me,” I told Sirius in some attempt to distract him. It probably didn’t work. He looked up at me and for a moment; a storm raged in his eyes. It was gone in a blink.  
“You were having trouble with it?” The way his lips looked in the moonlight was like a mockery. The thing that turned me into a monster turned Sirius into a god. Not that I noticed. “You could have asked me, I would have helped. Although Lily is better than me at potions.”  
“Lily is better than everyone at everything,” I snorted. Sirius agreed with a smirk on his face. He shuffled across the bathroom, next to me. I didn’t notice the butterflies in my stomach.

“What do you think you would smell?” he asked, turning his head to me while still keeping it against the cool tiles on the wall behind us. I didn’t notice how close we were. Or how easy it would be to kiss his moonlit lips. I didn’t notice.  
“What?” I breathed. I met Sirius’ grey eyes. Sadder than anything I thought I’d ever seen. It made my heart ache.  
“If we brewed amortentia. What do you think you would smell?” I bit my lip, looking away from the sadness in his wonderful eyes. Merlin, I’d probably smell Sirius. The leather of that jacket Lily had bought him for Kris Kringle in fourth year. Or the stale smell of cigarette smoke from the summer he'd tried them to spite his mother. Or dog fur, or cruddy muggle aftershave. But I couldn’t tell him that.  
“I think I’d probably smell... chocolate. And maybe the Shrieking Shack.” I told him instead. Sirius looked at me like I was a bloody idiot.  
“Why in Merlin’s beard would you smell the shrieking shack?” he asked, an incredulous look in his eyes. I thought I caught a glint of disappointment too.  
“Don’t get me wrong, I hate the place but—I don’t know. The feeling I get when I wake up and you three are all there, snoring your stupid asses off—“ I was cut off by a quiet muttering of, “I do not snore!” I chuckled.  
“I just really—love that feeling. The Shrieking Shack symbolises how much you guys love me and—and that somebody out there does love me.” It was sappy and dumb, I knew, but sometimes I forgot. Forgot all they had gone through just so that I wouldn’t be alone. And the Shack, however much I hated it, never ceased to remind me how deep that friendship really went.  
“We do love you, mate.” Sirius said quietly. I bit my lip to keep from smiling and nudged his shoulder.  
“What do you think you’d smell?” I asked him carefully, not sure if it was the subject he wanted me to breach. There had been many nights like this; Sirius and I sitting up all night talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Nights where I’d pull him from horrid nightmares or he’d do the same for me. Sometimes we’d tell each other and sometimes—we just couldn’t.  
“I have no idea, Moony,” he said simply. I nodded. I think he’d smell Regulus. But I didn’t say it. 

After a moment of comfortable silence, Sirius spoke.  
“Mum asked Regulus to take the Mark.” Shit. I said as much. Sirius stared out the window and played with a piece of thread on his boxers. “We were at dinner and she asked him if he’d be—“ his voice broke “—willing to do that for her, like it was some bloody household chore or something.” He pinched the bridge of his nose to keep from crying. I wanted more than the world to grab his hand and squeeze it. To reassure him that I was here—that he was here. I didn’t. “I blew up at my mother and she—she fucking ignored me, turned back to Regulus and asked him again.” Sirius pulled his knees up to his chest and breathed deep, heaving breaths. My heart ached for the boy next to me. For what I was going to hear next, what she did to finally make him leave.   
"Sirius, you don't have to—"  
"No, it's... I want to." I bit my lip and nodded. "Reg hesitated," he continued, "and she— she pulled her wand on him. My father was yelling, Reg was nearly crying and there was so much shit going on that she—“ Sirius cut himself off and breathed in, out, his hands trembling. “She started mouthing a spell and I just jumped in front of her wand and I got blasted back. " He paused for a moment, running a hand through his hair. "I was curled up on the floor in bloody agony.” It took me a moment, but I realised what Sirius was saying.  
“She cast an unforgivable curse on you?” Sirius nodded. _Crucio_. Fuck.  
“She stopped after a while. I had to— I had to beg her to.” He choked out.

James had said Sirius had shown up at his house bloody and bruised and barely conscious. Was it from that? Could a mother be capable of doing something like that to her own child? My mum and dad had their issues with me, but they would never do... _that_.  
“Once I could stand up again, I grabbed Reg and I ran upstairs.” Sirius wasn’t just hyperventilating now. He'd stopped talking and was on the verge of sobbing. One of those wretched, empty sobs that close your lungs and dry your mouth. I wrapped my arm around him.  
“Pads, you don’t have to—“ he curved into me. Slowed his breathing. When he looked up at me again, there was something in his eyes that hurt to see. Brokenness. "Oh, Pads," I said. He watched me for a moment, let his silver eyes wander my face before he cleared his throat.  
“I started packing," he kept going once his voice was steady enough, "because I was done. I was so fucking done with my house and my family and my fucking mother, and Reg was thanking me, fussing over me... but then he shoved me.” I ran my hands over his tangled hair, not sure what else to do. “He turned me around and shoved me. I asked him what he was doing, why he wasn’t packing and he looked at me with just—so much hatred in his eyes.” I didn’t like where this was going. The cold tiles and open window weren’t enough to cool down the red that I was seeing right now. “He yelled at me that I was a bloody idiot and told me to get the fuck out. And then he gave me this... fucking black eye. And I was so confused because he was on my side—no matter what, _we were always on the same side _. I grabbed the rest of my shit and walked out the door and my mother was standing there, furious. When I turned back to Reg, I realised he’d saved himself. I’d just thrown myself in front of an Unforgivable Curse for him and he fucking saved his sorry ass. But I still don’t know who I'm angrier at; Reg for pulling that shit, or me for leaving him there after he thought he had to pull that shit to _survive_.” Sirius had his head in his hands and he was shaking, trembling with the tears that were threatening to fall again.__

____

“I’m so sorry that happened to you Sirius, but, Pads, it's not your fault. You're not to blame for anyone else's actions. Only yours. And getting yourself out of there, Sirius, was the best thing you could have done. I'm proud of you, Sirius.” Something shifted in Sirius as he let my words sink in. He looked up at me and I wiped away the tears on his cheeks. It was a while before he looked away from me, but when he did, it didn't seem to help. I could almost feel the tightening in his chest and the thickness in his throat. I knew what was coming.  
“I left—“ a gut-wrenching sob cut Sirius off. I jumped in front of him and held both of his hands—all butterflies long gone. “I left him there,” he choked out. Every noise stopped and all there was, was Sirius. His rapid breathing, his grip on my hands, the tears in his eyes, the redness in his skin. His breathing grew quicker. His world was spinning, he felt sick, I could almost see it. Almost feel it myself. I did the first thing that came to my mind. I slapped Sirius. It worked.  
He gasped.  
His breathing slowed.  
“What the fuck, Remus?” He whispered, not entirely angry. His left hand was cradling his cheek, his right one still holding mine.  
“Sorry," I whispered. "I know slapping or kissing someone usually stops panic attacks.” I smiled cautiously in apology. He only glared at me.  
“Yeah, well next time don’t bloody slap me!” His eyes widened a little. Did he just?

____

...My hand still lay in his.

____

I leapt up and pulled back the shower curtain, twisting the tap on and ignoring how Sirius hesitated as he let go of my hand. James and Pete could sleep through a hurricane, so I wasn’t concerned about the noise. I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t know how to help Sirius, to make him feel better. I didn’t know how to stop this feeling, to stop _loving_ him. What type of friend thinks about kissing someone after they’ve just told them about their abusive parents? What type of fucking friend was I?  
“Get in the shower, you’ll feel better.” I threw a towel at him as I spoke. And a toothbrush. “You need it, mate,” I told him when he raised his eyebrows. He huffed a laugh, ignoring what he’d said completely. I chose to ignore it too, there was no point going into something that was clearly a mistake. It wasn’t like I could fucking turn Sirius gay or something.  
“It’s 2:30 in the morning, Moony.”  
“Trust me, you’ll feel better,” I repeated over my shoulder, walking out the door before I tried something I knew I would regret. 

____


	3. Not An Alarm Clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has a realisation, Sirius treats him to dinner (kind of) and the two of them come up with a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Mentions and minor descriptions of child abuse

The next morning was a complete and total drag. I usually rose at dawn due to my—animal instincts. And thanks to this, I was the official dorm room alarm clock. But today, I slept in. A lot. And so did the rest of the marauders. I went to Sirius’ bed first, sleeping soundly with a hint of a smile on his face—so at odds with the wide-eyed panicked boy from last night. His hand was clutching the chocolate frog I’d left under his pillow and for a moment I wondered if that was the reason behind the smile. I shook my head.  
“Sirius, we have five minutes until class,” I said. I didn’t bother lowering my voice, I was about to wake up James and Peter anyway. I pulled the curtains around his bed open wider and did the same for James and Pete, but got no reaction.  
Fine then.  
“Marauders!” I yelled, clapping my hands. “Wake up!” I heard a few groans in response, but they didn’t stir. I grabbed the three closest shoes and threw them at each boy’s bed. They woke up at that.  
“What the fuck?” James jumped out of bed and scrambled for his wand, without even grabbing his glasses. Pete yelped and scuttled up to the corner of his bed, like the blankets were going to save him. His wand was clamped in his hand. Sirius quickly pulled his wand out too, but not before sleepily hiding the frog back under his pillow. I realised then what had just happened. That Sirius hadn’t grabbed his wand from the desk next to him. That he’d slept with it clutched in his other hand. Like he might need to use it suddenly.  
“Moony, we’re in the middle of a war. You can’t do that.” Pete said quietly from his bed. I felt my smile fall. I hadn’t thought about that. About how my friends were preparing for the worst. So scared that they slept with their wands by their sides or clutched in their hands. I, admittedly, locked the doors and shielded the dorm with different charms every night. But I didn’t realise they were scared too. Didn’t realise the impact the ongoing war was having on my friends.  
“Shit. I didn’t—I’m sorry.” There was a moment of silent glances as we all took in the lengths we’d each go to for each other. Sirius broke the silence with a smirk on his face.  
“It’s all good, Moony, what you should be apologising for is that I’m now going to have to go to class without doing my hair because you _slept_ in.” My shoulders sagged at the normalcy, and I sneered at Sirius.  
“I’m a wizard, asshat, not an alarm clock.” 

Classes flew by without much happening. James wasn’t even annoying Lily anymore, leaving me with no entertainment apart from watching Slughorn parade around the potions room like he was a celebrity. I’d handed my essay in when we’d gotten to class and in return received a rather unnerving grin from the professor. Sirius made no mention of the previous night, so I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t breach the subject of the war either. There was no way to bring that up, to explain exactly what was wrong with all four of us preparing for the worst. Always looking over one shoulder. It was too painful. Speaking of pain, I’d been sent to the hospital wing just near the end of transfiguration—my last class for the day—after Professor McGonagall said I looked like I was about to faint. I’d felt like it too. It was merely an aftermath of having next to no sleep, especially in my condition. At least that’s what Madame Pomfrey explained after checking me from head to toe with every spell and medical device she could think of. I’d felt rather invaded. Sirius had come with me—like he always did—after not-so-subtly immediately asking to go to the bathroom before I’d even left the room. Professor McGonagall had only sighed and shooed Sirius out the door.

“You feeling okay Moony?” Sirius asked. I pulled a smile onto my face and looked away from the window across the room.  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Sirius was sitting on the armchair next to the hospital bed. I thought of the first time I’d woken up to see him sleeping on that armchair after the full moon. It was three quarters into first year when the boys finally questioned where I was going each month. I told them the lie I’d prepared for that very situation—that I had to go visit a sick relative. The next full moon, I woke up and shat myself when Sirius was next to me. He started rambling about how he knew I was lying and all this other stuff—and I was absolutely terrified that he knew I was a werewolf. It turned out he did, but that was the least of his worries.  
“I’m pretty sure even a werewolf can’t leave a whip mark on its own back.” He’d said. He knew—knew what my dad had done, how he’d hated werewolves, hated me for being one. He didn’t even care that I was a werewolf. But the worry of him suddenly knowing all of these things about me halted.  
Because it had hit me in that moment. How he knew what scars weren’t right, how he pieced it all together, why he was immediately worried. I’d lunged forward and pulled up his shirt. I only caught a glimpse of the scars underneath before Sirius swore and stormed out, but it was enough. More than enough. For those first few months, only Sirius knew about my transformations—and about my dad. Eventually I’d told Pete and James I was a werewolf, decided it wasn’t worth putting Sirius through having to keep my secret. I trusted them plenty anyway. Sirius was still the only one that knew about my parents though. And while James and Peter had inevitably figured out that it was happening to Sirius, he didn’t talk about it too much. So we stood back. Helped when he needed it, backed off when he didn’t. The Marauders had all done the same for me—never pushed—but Sirius always, without fail, accompanied me to the hospital wing. 

* * * 

“We’d need a night where everyone’s in the Great Hall.” Sirius suggested. The ancient stone walls were still spinning a bit as we walked but I chose to ignore it. I’d just go to bed earlier tonight.  
“Um, Sirius. It’s the Great Hall, and everyone eats dinner there. We could do it any night.” Sirius' eyes flicked to me, exhaustion coating them. I hadn’t thought about how tired he also must have been after last night, hadn’t thought about how long he’d stayed awake after I’d fallen asleep. He didn’t seem to care.  
“Um, no, you smartass,” he said, mocking me. I shoved him, not at all noticing each point of contact. “Everyone eats dinner on their own schedules most nights, and people are always coming and going. We need a night where everyone’s eating at the same time. Preferably the Halloween feast.” Each year there was a feast on Halloween. It was a good idea; nearly everyone would be there. We turned around the corner and as we did, I felt Sirius’ hand brush mine before he lifted it to comb his fingers through his hair. He didn’t notice, so neither did I. Soon enough, we found ourselves in front of a still-life portrait of a silver bowl of fruit. Sirius reached up and tickled the green pear, a trick that led us to the kitchen. I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but Madame Pomfrey had shown it to me in first year after I’d asked for food in the middle of the night. It was our little secret. Well—ours and James’ and Pete’s and Sirius’. But she didn’t know that. The pear turned into a door handle and Sirius pulled it open. The smell that filled the room was mouth-watering. A number of house elves nodded to us, and a series of ‘Mr Black’s and ‘Mr Lupin’s chorused. I noticed all the food being made, soon to be sent to the Great Hall for dinner. Sirius had suggested we eat down here, rather than up there surrounded by the voices and looks of so many people. I’d felt more than inclined to agree.

I made to grab something out of the pantry—to start cooking it—but a few house elves looked my way and proceeded to usher us over to a small table surrounded by two chairs, familiar from all our time spent here. The house elves insisted that we didn’t help, refused to let us do anything but sit as they brought our food over. I pulled my knees up to my chest and looked at Sirius, sitting across from me. "That is not right," I said. "How they're basically programmed into wanting to be slaves." Sirius nodded, looking to the bustling kitchen and wincing. His hair was tucked behind his ears except for one strand, hanging in front of his silver eyes. A couple of weeks ago, I’d woken up, panting and sweating after a nightmare. Sirius had gone home and he’d never come back. He’d been tortured and traumatised and killed. I looked at Sirius and thought about this morning, how he’d instinctively reached for his wand.  
“What?” he asked, shaking me out of my trance. I fumbled around my head for something to say, to excuse the fact that I’d just been staring at him.  
“I zoned out, sorry.” I always said that. Why did I always say that? Sirius’ mouth broke into a grin.  
“Got lost in my beauty, did you?” He asked, recalling our conversation from the other week. I smiled at him.  
“I couldn’t help it, you’re just so gorgeous,” I laughed, causing Sirius to chuckle. Merlin, what was I doing? I was leading myself on, flirting with Sirius and hoping he might be flirting back. I shook my head. “Do you reckon you did okay on the potions essay?” Sirius’ face turned solemn, and I had a bad feeling it wasn’t about the essay.

“That’s not what I was talking about, though,” he said. I furrowed my brows.  
“What do you mean?” I thanked one of the house elves as he placed a mug of steaming hot tea in front of me and a hot chocolate in front of Sirius.  
“I wasn’t asking why you were looking at me. Before. I meant what’s wrong?” I blinked a few times, taking in my surroundings, the noises of the kitchen, the house elves all running around cooking and setting things up for dinner, the strand of hair in front of Sirius’ eyes that I ached to brush behind his ear. As if reading my thoughts, he brushed his hair out of his face and I watched his hands move like it was the most interesting thing in the world. I didn’t notice, though, the veins in his wrists or the curve of his callused hands and what they might feel like on my skin. I cleared my throat and moved in my chair, my cheeks heating. I’d be completely and utterly fucked if he could read my thoughts.  
“Nothing, why?” Sirius shook his head and bought the mug up to his mouth. I did the same, and I couldn’t help closing my eyes at the taste. When I opened them again, Sirius was looking at me weirdly. He coughed and the look was gone in a second.  
“You’re basically folding into yourself and you look miserable,” he explained. I scoffed.  
“Thanks.” Sirius didn’t smile in return. His hand twitched like he might reach out to me. I hoped he would.  
“Remus, what’s wrong?” he asked instead. I sighed.  
“I just...” I ran my hand through my hair. “I just keep thinking about this morning, about how we’re in the middle of a war and—“ my eyes were burning and it was stupid. I was being stupid and emotional and—

“Stop thinking.” I blinked.  
“What?”  
“You’re overthinking it and disregarding your problems because you think you’re being stupid. You’re not stupid, so stop thinking.” Sirius took another sip of his hot chocolate like he hadn’t just stopped what would soon have been a downward spiral into an emotional wreck. “And about this morning, it’s not stupid. I don’t know if you noticed but James has been a wreck all day. Pete’s hands have been shaking too.” Fuck. Fuck. I’d been too preoccupied with my own feelings to notice the fear I’d instilled in my friends. “Stop, Moony. It wasn’t your fault, okay? I’ve heard you putting up charms every night. We’re all bloody terrified, and it’s shit, but it isn’t your fault, yeah?” Sirius’ voice was low, comforting. I wanted to reach out, to run my fingers through his hair, to hold his hand, to hold him.  
“Yeah,” I choked out. My throat tightened, all the want and need hitting me like a blow to the gut. I wanted nothing more than to be with Sirius and he was the one thing I couldn’t have. I hated it, and I couldn’t do anything about it. The same house elf from before brought our food over, a variety of pastries and roasted meats and vegetables. I glanced at Sirius for a quick moment and dug in without another word.


	4. Sleeping Next To Sirius Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a late night, Remus finds himself in need of a bed. Sirius offers him one.

Sirius and I told Pete and James about our plan when we got back to the dorm that night, which happened to be a very big mistake. In true James fashion he insisted we plan everything out, to the last detail. ‘So we’re prepared, Moony!’ he’d said. Five days later—James had also insisted we not plan unless we had all our homework done because he likes to become our mother sometimes—on Friday, we’d snuck down to the Room of Requirement and walked in to find a large couch and a whole wall that had been turned into a chalkboard. James had charmed the chalk and was pacing up and down the room, the chalk scratching behind him.  
“Pete, do you have any rat friends?” He asked. I shook my head at the question. We’d gotten most of it planned out, except for how we were going to acquire a rat. Sirius was lounging across the couch, taking up most of it, picking at his nails.  
“Have you got any deer friends, Prongs?” he asked, glaring at James. I snorted. Sirius had made it very clear that he did not want to be here. ‘I’m all for pranks and planning and all that, but at three in the bloody morning?’ His eyes were barely open. He was doing better than Pete though, who had curled into the corner of the couch and was snoring softly.  
“No, Sirius, I don’t have deer friends.” James snapped back. I sighed.  
“Exactly,” Sirius muttered, running his hands through his hair. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “How are you not tired, Moony?” he asked. I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands.

“I’ve consumed that much caffeine that it’s permanently coded into my body system, so I’m always alert.” Sirius stared blankly at me and James barked a laugh.  
“He’s lying. He took a two-hour nap while we were at training,” James said. Sirius looked at me again, glaring. I threw a piece of chalk at him. The bloody asshat caught it.  
“Why did I have to come to that again?” Sirius looked back at James as he asked the question. His earring glinted from behind his hair. Only his right ear was pierced—that was the doing of a drunk me and a convincing Sirius—and from it hung a silver feather. Very punk rock. I cracked a smile.  
“Because Lily was coming to watch Marlene and I needed moral support,” James explained. Sirius gave me a look and I laughed. “Oi, don’t laugh at me, Lupin!” James said, throwing a different piece of chalk at me. I did not catch it by any means. I stood up.  
“Right, I’m going to bed,” I said, more for Sirius’ benefit than mine. I really wasn’t that tired.  
“What about the—“ James started.  
“Potter, if you say one bloody thing about a rat, I will stab you with my wand through sheer brute force,” Sirius snapped. I poked Peter and laughed.  
“Sirius, I admire your threat but I’m not seeing any of this sheer brute force bullshit,” I told him, earning a classy middle finger in return. Sirius stood up and wiped a hand through the writing on the board. James tackled him and I kept poking Peter.  
“What?” He squeaked, his eyes barely open.  
“We’re going to bed. Come on." I got Peter off the couch and grabbed the invisibility cloak. “Oi! If you two don’t hurry up I’m taking the cloak and you’ll have to find a way back without getting caught by McGonagall,” I yelled over James and Sirius’ yelling. They both walked over, glaring at each other. I smiled and threw the cloak over the three of us. It used to fit the four of us, in the first year, but now any time we all wanted to use it, Pete had to shift into animagus form. I picked Wormtail up off the floor and lifted him onto my shoulders. 

* * *

James pushed the door to our dormitory open and climbed straight into his bed. Pete, who had transformed when we got to the common room and was already nearly asleep, did the same. Except he climbed into my bed. I walked up to him and poked him. He actually swung his arm at me.  
“Go away!” He yelled.  
“Fuck!” I shouted and stepped back. Sirius cracked up, so I threw a pillow at his head. The others hadn’t bothered changing, but when I turned around, Sirius was shirtless, searching through his drawers for a sleep shirt, presumably. I looked away.  
“I guess I’ll just sleep in Pete’s bed.” I shuddered at the thought, knowing full well how gross Pete could be sometimes. James started snoring. I shook my head. Sirius finally got a shirt on and looked over at me.  
“You can sleep in my bed if you want,” he said. I looked at him.  
“What? And subject you to Peter’s grime? I’d never,” I joked, placing a hand on my heart. Sirius smiled and his face glowed in the moonlight streaming in through the window. I didn’t notice the way my heart fluttered.  
“No, you git, I meant you can bunk with me, you know?” I didn’t know. Was he asking me to sleep with him? Well, obviously not sleep with him, but... sleep. With him. In the same bed. Me, sleeping next to Sirius. Oh no. Fuck.  
“Oh, uh, no, it’s alright I’ll just suffer in Pete’s sweat,” I smiled, edging towards Pete’s bed. I regretted the sentence the minute it came out, whether it was because I’d just declined sleeping next to Sirius Black or because I’d used the words ‘suffer in Pete’s sweat’ to do so. It was probably both. Sirius laughed and took out his earring.  
“No. Really, don’t worry about it, Moony. I’ll save you from Pete’s sweat,” he grinned, placing the earring on his bedside table. I considered it. There were risks... I might lose my shit and kiss him in the middle of the night, I might lose my shit and confess my feelings for him in the middle of the night, I might wake up with a... I shook my head. But I was being offered to sleep next to Sirius Black. Fuck it.  
“Alright, fine,” I said, walking over to him. 

It wasn’t like we hadn’t slept in the same bed before. We’d bunked together at James’ house for the summer most years; the four of us had all slept tangled together on the dorm floor; we’d both woken up from nightmares and climbed into each other’s bed for comfort. That had stopped in third year, though. Sirius nodded and climbed into the bed, moving onto the far left side. I climbed onto the right side. I could feel his body heat on my side and it took everything in me not to move closer, to put my arm around him. I pulled the blanket tighter around me.  
“Hey Moony?” Sirius’ voice was stretched like he was moments away from falling asleep. And yet he still wanted to talk to me.  
“Yeah?” I asked. I was lying on my back, dead straight so I didn’t touch Sirius, and he was on his side, facing me, legs spread out. This was getting quite difficult. I’d never realised how small these beds were. I turned to face him.  
“I...” he seemed to be contemplating something before he looked away. “I just wanted to say thanks for the other night, you know?” I nodded, wanting him to look at me, to see that gaze in his eyes again, like he wanted to tell me something important. Like he wanted to look at me. I coughed. “I didn’t really bring it up because, um, well we never usually do.” He was referring to the other countless times we’d helped each other through nightmares and panic attacks. I nodded again. “But I just wanted to say thank you, because it means a lot,” he got out. "Those things you said about you, y'know, bing proud of me and stuff... just, thank you." I nodded again before I realised how many times I’d nodded.  
“Of course, Padfoot. Anytime,” I promised. He looked up at me for a moment, his silver eyes glinting in the moonlight. He looked like he might say something again, before he grinned.

“Does that promise include you kissing me next time I have a panic attack?” He joked, poking me in the ribs. I rolled my eyes, hoping it might give me time to wash away the punch to my gut.  
“Ha. Ha.” I deadpanned him. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t enjoy it, Black,” I joked right back. That had to be a joke, right? Because there’s no way he would enjoy it. I turned fully onto my side then, with my back to him. He did the same thing.  
“That’s cold, Moony, real cold.” I laughed.  
We laid like that for a while and I kept thinking about how easy it would be. ‘I want to kiss you. For real.’ ‘What if _I_ enjoyed it?’ ‘I love you, Sirius.’ 'I'm in love with you.'  
“Hey, Sirius?” I whispered, turning around to face his back. But Sirius’ breathing had evened out and, soon enough, I fell asleep to the sound and his warmth next to me, still waiting for a reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I was lying on my back, dead straight so I didn’t touch Sirius." Oh, Remus, honey. You're the furthest thing from straight, love.
> 
> I gave in to the temptation of forcing them to share a bed lol. I’m basic, I know, but that trope will never die. Thanks for all the love :)


	5. Amortentia: the Potion of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's distracted. Everyone's acting a little weird. Everyone is so agonisingly oblivious. And by everyone, I mean Moony and Padfoot, obviously.

I woke up to the sound of mumbling. There was a warmth at my side and the sun in my eyes. It took me a moment to remember what had happened, where I was, who my arms were around. I jumped back, out of the bed. I moved a lot in my sleep, I knew that. But I can’t say I’ve ever woken up clutching onto someone like a life source. Until now. I ran my hands through my hair.  
“Moony?” James said, looking between me and Sirius’ bed. I heard Sirius yawn and tried not to remember what it had felt like, having his legs tangled with mine. “Pete fell asleep in my bed,” I explained, walking over to my bed and ripping the curtains back. Pete shouted at me to close them again and I flipped him off. James laughed.  
“Why didn’t you sleep in Pete’s bed?” James asked, watching Peter stand up and walk groggily back to his own bed. He pulled the curtains closed and I didn’t hear another sound from him. I looked down at my bed.  
"Ugh, he drooled all over my pillow," I said, picking it up from the corner and dangling it in front of James.  
“Look Moony in the eye and ask him that question again, mate,” Sirius laughed. James shrugged, writing the whole incident off like it was nothing. It _was_ nothing, wasn’t it? It wasn’t like anything had happened, it wasn’t like Sirius was looking at me any different than he usually did. I shook my head and purposely looked away from Sirius, who had begun stretching. I didn’t notice how his shirt rode up, showing a slither of skin.  
“I’m going to have a shower.” I grabbed the towel off the hook near my bed and strode into the bathroom, turning the water up as hot as it would go.

* * *

I spent the whole day picturing that split moment when I’d woken up. Sirius had turned at some point throughout the night so he was facing me, and his eyelids had fluttered as he slept. His arm was stretched across my side and his legs were bunched up, with one of his knees pressing slightly into my thigh. My arm had been draped across his neck and we had been so, so close. And everything had felt right, in that one moment. I’d felt happy, safe and good. Before I’d realised it wasn’t true. Lily clicked her fingers in my face and I looked up.  
“Huh?” She shook her head at me.  
“I was talking, you git,” she said, smiling. “Why do you look all dreamy?” Her eyes narrowed as I snatched the piece of parchment from in front of her. We were playing noughts and crosses to taunt James and Sirius, who were stuck finishing homework they’d put off for almost a week now.  
“I don’t look _dreamy_ ,” I said, albeit a little too loudly. Pete had got bored watching them do homework and was now sitting with Dorcas and Marlene, who were subjecting him to a large amount of glitter eye shadow. I shook my head and drew up a new game.  
“Don’t lie to me, Lupin,” Lily scolded, scratching a small ‘x’ onto the parchment. I bit my lip and scribbled an ‘o’.  
“I look normal, shut up,” I said, earning a laugh from Lily. We kept playing the game.  
“Whatever you say, Lupin.” Lily won. 

* * *

“Ladies and gentlemen! Witches and wizards! Class of ‘78!” Slughorn called out. I shook my head and looked up at him. He was pacing in front of the chalkboard, waving his hands around for dramatic effect. James snickered from the desk in front of me but quickly hushed as Lily glared at him. I smiled. “I hold, here in my hands, the key to love, to desire, to passion! Your amortentia essays,” Slughorn announced. Chatter spread throughout the room, people talking of how they’d probably flunked the essay, how they’d handed it in last minute, or what mark they would get. “I will ask the lovely Miss Evans here to hand them out in a moment.” He smiled at Lily, who beamed with pride in return. “However, as all of your essays were just an honour to read—Such detail! Such drama!—I’ve decided that for this lesson we will be creating our very own amortentia potions!” He shouted. He definitely got the reaction he desired. The room broke out in excited chatter. “Okay, okay, partner up and go to your cauldrons! Open to page 89 and follow the instructions clearly and sensibly, please! Lily dear, do you mind handing these out?” He held the pile of parchment out to Lily, who smiled.  
“Not at all, sir.” She took the pile. When she reached my cauldron she handed me my essay. “Good job,” she said and winked. I looked down at my essay. 93%. I smiled at Lily. She looked around. “Where’s Sirius?” she asked, handing me his essay too. I took it and shrugged.  
“He just said he was going to be late,” I explained. The weekend had come and gone since the Saturday morning I’d woken up in Sirius’ bed, and ever since, Sirius had been acting noticeably strange. It was understandable, he’d woken up with his very not straight friend clinging to his very straight self. I pushed the bad feeling in my gut away and opened my book. James was partnered with Pete so I started working on my own. 

“Go on James, tell us,” Pete prompted. He was grinning like an idiot, his mousy brown hair sticking up in all sorts of places. James looked up from his cauldron, rolling his eyes. “It’s Lily, isn’t it? You smell her perfume or her—I don’t know, her socks or something. Right?” James looked shocked.  
“Why would I know what Lily’s socks smell like?” He deflected, throwing a quick glance over his shoulder to her.  
“I wouldn’t put it past you...” Pete muttered. I huffed a laugh.  
“We’re not gonna judge you, mate,” I promised him. _I_ was definitely in no place to judge. James sighed and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.  
“Fine, fine.” He cleared his throat and looked back down at the amortentia brewing in his cauldron. The pearly pink liquid bubbled softly and moved along with the rod James was stirring it with. “I can smell...” James looked over his shoulder again to where Lily was sitting, not even remotely interested in our conversation. He closed his eyes. “I can smell... Lily,“ we both nodded with James. “But I can also smell— well I can smell a freshly baked cinnamon and vanilla cake. Like mum makes. And my broomstick—which I didn’t actually know had a smell.” James shrugged. Pete smiled.  
“See, wasn’t that bad was it, Potter?” I shoved his shoulder.  
“Oh shut up, Lupin. If it’s not so hard, what do you smell?” 

I froze.

This was different. It wasn’t the same as cakes and broomsticks. Or sweets and our dorm room—that’s what Wormtail had smelt. “Maybe,” Pete had admitted, “A little bit of cheese?” James and I had cracked up at that.  
But this wasn’t like that. I couldn’t tell them that I smelt leather and gel and dog fur. I couldn’t tell them that I smelt Sirius. And I definitely couldn’t tell them that in between the smell of chocolate and the school library and a crackling fire, there was a faint metallic smell. I couldn’t tell them that the sick and twisted part of me—the monstrous part of me—could smell _blood_.  
“Uh... I—“ I began before Sirius walked in at just the right moment.

“Why does the room smell like old—“ Sirius stopped talking as soon as he saw what was written on the board. _‘Amortentia: the potion of love,’_ as Slughorn had so eloquently written. Sirius’ eyes went wide and he looked over at the three of us. He locked eyes with me. Then he looked at James, at Peter and then back at me. “Uh... never mind.” He said. The room went back to what they were doing and Sirius looked at the ground. He didn’t look back up until he’d walked over to Professor Slughorn, slipped him a piece of parchment, and walked back towards us. I raised my eyebrows as he coughed and hit me on the shoulder. James and Pete were looking at him weird too. So it wasn’t just me. “What?” Sirius shrugged. James frowned but looked back at me. No one asked where he’d been.  
“You were saying, Moony?” I watched Sirius’ fingers drum the bench for a few seconds before I processed James’ question.  
“Oh. Oh it’s nothing—I smell—uh... chocolate. And books and stuff.” James glanced between Sirius and I, clearly coming to the conclusion that we were both crazy.  
Sirius shook his head, causing a few strands of black hair to fall out of his loose bun. Also loose, his red and gold tie. He never kept it tied; had told me it felt suffocating at times. Silver eyes met mine and quickly jumped to Peter’s, but not before I could see the hint of sadness behind them.

“So what’d you smell, Wormtail?” Sirius prompted. Pete grinned at him.  
“Chocolate frogs and a few other sweets, mostly. Our dorm room—don’t get how; that place stinks like no tomorrow,” he chucked a glare in mine and James’ direction, the messiest of us four. “But yeah, I smelt the dorm, and kind of some cheese,” Pete said with uncertainty. Sirius choked back a laugh.  
“Cheese?” he asked, smirking with half his mouth. His eyes gleamed in the candlelight of the dungeons and so did his lips. Not that I noticed. I didn't notice. Peter nodded. I loosed a breath and gulped. “You don’t even like cheese, Pete,” Sirius added.  
“I know but I do when I’m— uh... you know.” He quickly saved himself before he let the whole class know he was a rat. I thought about the metallic tang that was stinging my nose. I gulped again, this time for a very different reason.  
Shaking my head, I turned to Sirius. “What do you smell?” His eyes widened.  
“Yeah—'old' what Padfoot?” James asked, curious to what Sirius was about to say when he walked into the room.  
“Uh... old... buildings.” He blurted out. I blinked. Old buildings? “Yep. Hogwarts, I guess. It’s old—and it’s a building.” He quickly added. If James didn’t think Padfoot was crazy before, that definitely would have done the trick.  
“That’s it? You smell school?” Pete asked.  
“He smells home, you nitwit.” James cut in, hitting Peter on the back of the head. It made sense, now that I thought about it. Sirius’ home had stopped being his home long before he’d moved in with James. He’d always loved coming back to school and getting out of that hellhole he had to deal with every summer.  
Sirius coughed. “I smell that cake your mum makes too, James. Bloody good cake.”  
James grinned. “I smelt that too!” he exclaimed.  
“And, uh... I can smell Reg,” he muttered quietly. I wanted to reach for his arm, pull him into a hug. I didn’t.

“Okay, bright witches and wizards of your age, class is nearly over, empty your cauldrons and pack everything up please!” Professor Slughorn shouted. He was standing by Lily’s cauldron and he had seemingly just finished talking to her. He walked up to the front of the classroom and wiped off the neat cursive on the chalkboard.  
“How come you were late, Padfoot?” I asked, hoping he hadn’t been snogging someone in a broom closet somewhere. Not that I cared.  
“I had to talk to Bella,” he said. Peter jumped.  
“What?” James’ eyes widened.  
“Yeah, it wasn’t a big deal. She was just being a bitch about me leaving home. Called me a blood traitor, so I decided to shut her up.” Sirius’ shoulders slumped. “It’s fine guys, she’s fine. And I’m all good.”  
He seemed anything but all good.  
“Merlin, Sirius.” I wanted to reach for him again, touch him, calm the tears swelling in his eyes. Instead, I loosed a breath. Sirius blinked the tears away and changed the subject.  
“Anyway, we’re supposed to be packing up.” We all nodded—a mutual understanding that he didn’t want to talk about it. James did well at distracting him.

“Hey Evans, you’re loving being drowned in my scent aren’t you?” James grinned as he shouted across the classroom, not caring in the slightest about all the eyes turned his way. Lily rolled her eyes.  
“For the first time in forever, Potter, I can’t smell your reek, and let me tell you, it’s delightful.” I didn’t mention that I knew it was a lie. I didn’t mention the glance she threw in my direction, the silent order not to say anything. I just hummed to myself and didn’t notice how Sirius’ trembling hands brushed mine as he swept away some chopped up leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, right? Bold of me to assume James doesn’t know what Lily's socks smell like.


	6. He Noticed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus isn't dealing with the results of his Amortentia potion very well. Sirius cheers him up... kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Mentions of blood and suicidal thoughts/attempted suicide.   
> This chapter doesn't contain any relevant plot information so feel free to skip it if you'd like.

Blood. My deepest desire, my animal instinct, craved blood. And I didn’t know how to deal with that. Sirius had been giving me strange looks for the rest of the day and I didn’t know how to deal with that either. I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. It was dinner time now, and I’d told the rest of the marauders that I’d meet them in the Great Hall. I’d come here instead, to the astronomy tower. I was lying on the edge, staring up at stars burning bright in the sky. I sat up so my legs were dangling off the tower, wand held between my fingers just in case. I stared at the brightest star in the sky and I thought of how I’d smelt Sirius early this morning. Leather and gel and dog fur. His shampoo, his sheets. Him. Sirius. I imagined how he might react if I told him what else I’d smelt. As if on cue, Sirius appeared.  
“Moony! What the fuck?” he yelled. It was all I heard before he ripped me off the edge and we were both panting on the cold stone.

Sirius was on top of me. His hands were braced on either side of me, the fabric of his pants grazing my legs and his face only inches away. Did I want to kiss him? _Or did I just like the smell of his blood?_ He stood up and offered me a hand. With a sigh, I took it and he pulled me up. We were standing in the middle of the Astronomy Tower, facing each other. Sirius’ face was a wall of stone. He was worried. I laughed bitterly.  
“I wasn’t gonna jump, Padfoot.” I could feel a smile forming on my face. If I wasn’t smiling, if I wasn’t laughing, Merlin knows what I’d do. Probably cry. Maybe kiss Sirius. I wanted to. 

Sirius punched me. 

He took a step forward and clenched his hand, and his fist collided with my face. 

Bloody hell, Sirius could punch. I lifted my right hand to my face. I wasn’t about to punch him back.  
“What the fuck, Sirius?” I snapped, looking up. Sirius was watching me with a painful gleam in his eyes. Pity. I almost shattered right there.  
“Why the fuck were you hanging off the edge of the Astronomy Tower if you weren’t going to jump?” he yelled. I rubbed my hand over my jaw, still aching. Sirius’ eyes were wide and frantic. He walked to the back wall and sat down, his knees pulled up to his chest. He looked up at the sky, at the stars watching us. When I didn’t reply he looked back down at me. I dropped my hand.  
“I was just looking at the stars," I said. Sirius looked at me. "But, I...” I didn’t want to admit it. Fuck. “It crossed my mind.” It had. I didn’t want to die. But that rush, that feeling I might get from falling. It was different to flying. It was more... inevitable. I would have caught myself at the end. Cast a cushioning spell. Maybe. I pulled at the collar of my shirt.  
“Why?” Sirius whispered. His voice was hoarse, like his yelling had tired him. My vision blurred as tears started burning my eyes.  
“Because I’m a bloody werewolf!” I yelled. “I’m a monster! I’m the scary stories told to kids to make them behave! I’m an out-of-control animal!” Sirius flinched. I should have shut up. But I didn’t. “I’m that weird kid with all the scars who goes away every month. I’m always in pain, Padfoot! I’m always healing, or in recovery, or ripping new lines down my back. And I’m so fucking tired all the time. I don’t want to deal with it anymore!” I cried out. At some point, I’d fallen to the ground with my head in my hands. My voice had lowered to a whisper. “I don’t want you guys to have to deal with it anymore,” I croaked out. Sirius opened and closed his mouth. He ran his hands through his hair. I looked up at the sky and blinked slowly. A moment passed before Sirius spoke.  
"I'd rather spend the rest of my life easing your pain than spend a second burying your body," he said quietly. I looked back at him. His eyes were wide and red and he sat slumped against the stone wall. I didn't say anything. “So you want to die?” he finally asked. I flinched and looked closer. He was crying. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’d fucked up.  
“No. Shit, no, Padfoot.” I laid back against the cold concrete floor and dug the heels of my palms into my eyes until they hurt. 

I heard Sirius shuffle over to me. His hands closed around my wrists and pulled them away from my eyes. I looked up at his face, framed by the stars and his hair, and I almost whimpered. I looked away. Sirius lay down next to me and linked his hand with mine. I didn’t notice how warm it was against the cold of mine. I didn’t notice how we lay under the stars, holding hands. I didn’t notice how disgustingly platonic this was. I turned my head at the same moment Sirius did and there we were, under the stars, gazing into each other’s eyes.  
“I smelt blood.” Fuck. Just spit it out why don’t you? Sirius furrowed his brow. “This morning. In potions. I smelt y— uh, I smelt Hogwarts, and chocolate, and books, and fire, and I- I smelt blood,” I admitted. Sirius’ hand twitched, like he was about to let go. I swore and sat up, trying to unlink our hands, but Sirius held on tight. I looked back at him. He’d sat up too and his grey eyes were wholly focused on me. They were sad.

“I smelt home,” Sirius said. I blinked.  
“Yeah, you said,” I told him, thinking back to this morning. Sirius closed his eyes and turned his head back up to the sky.  
“No, I smelt the manor. The corridors that always smelt like dust, no matter how many house elves were forced to clean it. The kitchen, that smelt like metal and too-fancy food. The bloody ballroom and the spilt wine. I smelt _home_.” He spat the word bitterly. Shit. That’s why he’d been acting weird. He looked at me again, his dark hair falling into his eyes. My hand ached to brush it away. I didn’t. Sitting cross-legged in front of me, Sirius didn’t take his eyes off me as he spoke. “Remus, you might be a werewolf once a month, but every other minute of every other day, you are Remus Lupin,” he said. “You smelt blood, but you also smelt Hogwarts. You smelt home. You smelt chocolate and the fire in the common room," he continued, not breaking eye contact. "The werewolf is a part of you, but it's not _you_. You smelt blood, but you also smelt all the things you love.” _I smelt you,_ I wanted to say. I didn’t. I nodded instead and laid back down, our linked hands dragging Sirius down with me. I was always dragging him down with me. I cleared my throat.  
“Why’d you come up here?” I asked. Sirius’ eyes locked onto mine.  
“I was looking for you. I noticed you were gone,” he said. 

He noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and the real slow-burn begins ;)
> 
> This chapter is actually based off a drabble I wrote a little while ago. You can find that on my Tumblr (@sirrriusblack) under 'The Astronomy Tower'. Or you can ignore this, which is totally fine too. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	7. Sweet Dreams, Moony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James takes a guess at who Sirius fancies and Moony doesn't like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: This chapter contains minor descriptions of child abuse and animal abuse.

“I know who it is!” James jumped onto my bed, whisper-shouting, and let me tell you, Sirius was a much better sleeping partner than Prongs.  
“What the fuck do you want, Potter?” I asked, groaning into my pillow. I was trying to nap. James got under the blanket. I wasn’t sure why. He smiled at me.  
“I know who Sirius fancies!” he said excitedly. I felt my stomach drop. Pete and Sirius were no doubt harassing McGonagall in the detention they received today for 'failing to show respect and basic human manners in class,' and I was here, alone with James, unable to escape my own personal hell. Hearing one of my best mates talk about just which pretty, punk girl with purple hair and torn tights Sirius was into. It was just my luck.  
“Oh, who?” I asked, trying to go back to sleep. James hit me and I had him on his ass on the floor in all of three seconds.  
“Moony!” He made to jump back into the bed but I held up a hand, which ultimately confused him.  
“Don’t come near me James. You can talk but I am trying to fucking nap you inconsiderate bastard.” I pulled the blanket higher around me, to my neck. James chuckled and jumped on the bed anyway. I sighed.  
“So, Sirius,” James repeated. I looked up at him.  
“Right, who?” I asked again, not really wanting to hear the answer. James grinned and pushed his glasses up his face.  
“Drum roll, please,” he ordered. I stared blankly and James rolled his eyes. “No fun, Moony, no fun.” I shook my head. “The person, the human, the magical being that Sirius Orion Black fancies... is...” he paused for a long while here. A very long while. I rubbed my feet together to heat them up some more. “Alice!” he shouted. I couldn’t help the fit of laughter that came next. It was too much. Oh Merlin.

“Alice?” I asked, still grinning. James nodded, confused. “Fortescue?” I checked, and when James nodded, I cracked up again.  
“What? What is so funny about that? Is Alice secretly a Russian spy or something?” he asked. I wiped at my eyes and curled into a tighter ball on my bed. James messed up his hair.  
“No, you dickhead, but Sirius doesn’t fancy Alice. She’s not his type,” I said simply. James screwed his nose up.  
“He doesn’t _have_ a type, the only person he’s fancied is Marlene,” he said. I nodded.  
“Exactly, Marlene and Alice are completely different people.”  
“What’s wrong with Alice?” he asked, confused. Merlin, I just wanted to sleep.  
“Nothing, Prongs. She’s just way more... chill than Marlene—or Sirius for that matter. Alice is lovely but she’s not Sirius’ type. He’s into like, punk, party people,” I told James. He made an odd noise and pushed his glasses up his face. “What?” I asked. James looked at me.  
“Nothing.”  
“Good, then let me sleep,” I demanded. James rolled his eyes and got off the bed, closing the curtains behind him. I heard the door open and a thought occurred. I pulled back the curtain.

“James?” I said. He turned to look at me, eyebrows raised. “Why do you think he fancies Alice?” I asked. James shrugged.  
“She was braiding his hair and he was watching her laugh and it just seemed like maybe he liked her,” James explained. I nodded, thinking of all the times I’d done the same thing, just for an excuse to run my fingers through his hair, for an excuse to touch him.  
“Okay,” I said, though I was far from it.  
“Can I ask you a question?” James said, leaning against the door frame. I nodded, running a hand through my hair. “Would it be so bad if he did?” he asked. I furrowed my brow.  
“Did what?” I asked. James fidgeted with the red and gold wristband on his right arm. Always flaunting his Gryffindor pride, James was.  
“Well you just seemed to shut down the idea of him liking her real quick, mate. How come you’re so sure Sirius doesn’t?” he asked. A raven head rammed under James’ arm so James lost his balance and nearly fell on top of Sirius.

“So sure Sirius doesn’t what?” Padfoot asked, a big smile forming on his face. “You two talking about me?” he asked. James grinned and put Sirius in a headlock.  
“Yeah, I swear I’m getting close to figuring out who you fancy,” James teased, confidence dancing in his hazel eyes. Sirius’ head turned my way and I smiled past the nausea in my gut. Pete strolled in with a handful of biscuits—no doubt courtesy of McGonagall—and walked to his bed, ignoring the odd tangle of bodies in the corner of the room. Sirius loosed a nervous laugh and looked back to James.  
“Sure you do, mate,” he said, messing James’ hair up more. “I promise you, there will be no dyeing of my hair, please and thank you,” Sirius said, confidently. James shook his head.  
“Nah mate, you’re gonna lose,” he said, sure of himself. I yawned pointedly and both heads snapped my way. “Oh right, Moony needs his beauty sleep, come on Padfoot,” he said. “You coming, Wormtail?” he shouted. Pete stuck his head out of his bed curtains.  
“I’m eating, he said through a full mouth. I huffed a laugh.  
“Alright then,” James laughed, walking back toward the door. Sirius smirked and looked at me.  
“Moony doesn’t need beauty sleep, he’s almost hotter than me,” Sirius joked. I felt uneasy still, but I smiled through it.  
“Not as hot as James, though,” I said and Sirius' jaw dropped. He regained his composure, though, and nodded solemnly.  
“Obviously,” he agreed, messing James' hair up somehow more than it already was. I chuckled half-heartedly, my back already facing the door. Sirius walked out the door and started closing it. I heard a whisper of “sweet dreams, Moony,” before sleep stole me away.

* * *

 _Alice Fortescue_. She was with Frank. That didn’t mean that Sirius didn’t fancy her. It would explain why he hadn’t asked her out either. _And_ why he didn’t want anyone to know. _And_ why Sirius said James would never guess it. _Fuck_. I hated the idea of knowing who it was, of having a face to put the concept. And then I hated that I hated it. Because I wanted Sirius to be happy, sure. But some part of me wished that could be happy with _me_. 

Sirius walked in at that very moment. Always with impeccable timing, Padfoot was.  
“What do you think?” he asked, chucking an envelope at me and falling onto his back next to me on my bed. I flipped it around and looked at it.  
“Master Black,” I read aloud. Oh no. Another letter from home. “Where are Pete and James?” I asked, examining the red wax seal on the envelope. The Black family crest was printed on it.  
“We didn’t want to wake you up for dinner, so they went to the kitchens to bring you some here,” I'd indeed only woken up a few minutes ago, the thought of Sirius' crush immediately plaguing my mind. I shook my head and pulled my blankets over me a bit more. It was a struggle not to protest the idea that The Marauders were going out of their way to help me. It was a struggle to come to terms with people _wanting_ to do that for me. It was stupid. That's what friends were for. But it was still a struggle. Sirius raised his eyebrows at me like he knew what I was thinking. “They also went to stock up on chocolate because _someone_ ate it all. I cracked a smile, knowing full well he was saying that for my benefit yet still feeling more eased at his words. My eyes fell down to the unopened letter and back at Sirius. He nodded. I opened it and looked up at him. His hair was pulled back into a low, loose bun. It was being held up by his wand and raven strands were falling out. He shrugged, the picture of calm. I could see right through it. I unfolded the letter. 

_“Sirius, I hope you understand that you will not be coming home,”_

Sirius rolled his eyes.  
“Straightforward. She’s good like that,” I said and Sirius huffed a laugh.

_“I hope you understand that no one wants—“_

I stopped reading and looked up at Sirius. “Padfoot.” Sirius was staring blankly at the ceiling of curtains above the bed.  
“Keep going,” he choked out through the lump in his throat. I cleared my own throat like it might help. The parchment crinkled under my grip.

_“I hope you understand that... no one wants you here. You’ve betrayed your name and your household. You’ve made a mockery of us. Do not expect, when—“_

My voice had gotten lower with each word, but when I read what came next, I couldn’t seem to get my voice to work at all. Sirius’ head turned to face me and his silver eyes looked like they might shatter right there. He blinked and that vulnerability was gone. Instead, only grey stone showed itself. "Sirius," I whispered. He motioned for me to continue. I loosed a shaky breath.

_“Do not expect, when that blood-traitor filth of a family gets sick of you, to be welcomed back. Your sheets have been changed and the ash in your fireplace is cold. You are not a Black. You are a disgrace. You are no more than a lost dog. And you know what I do to strays, Sirius.  
With utmost disappointment,  
Walburga Bitchface.”_

I folded the letter back up almost instantly when I’d finished and looked back to Sirius, who briefly tried to smile at my sarcastic comment. We didn’t say anything for a while, but then Sirius looked up at me, his eyes shining.  
“So," he started, rubbing his eyes. "What's your score?” he asked, looking away again. 

I laid down next to him so our heads were at the same height.  
“I was honestly going to say 8/10 but then she called you a lost dog and honestly, what are the odds? 10/10. Positively hurtful and _very_ dramatic.” I ran my hands through my hair and Sirius chuckled bitterly. We sat in silence for a few moments, until Sirius turned to face me.  
“When I was seven, Reg and I were out playing on the street. This stray dog walked past and we called it over.” Sirius lifted his arm up to cover his eyes, and although I could guess what was coming, I almost wanted to freeze this moment. Sirius Black in my bed. Sunlight filtering in and flickering on his bare forearms. I shook my head and tried not to notice any of it. “It didn’t have a collar or anything and it was panting a lot so Reg and I took it inside to get some water.” I swallowed. Sirius didn’t move. “She saw it and… she killed it on sight.” I flinched. It wasn’t difficult to guess who _she_ was.  
“What?” I lifted myself into my elbow and looked down at Sirius. He nodded.  
“Hit it with the killing curse and called an elf to come and get it.” Sirius was blinking quickly now, like he wanted to blink the tears away. “I’d already told Reg to go upstairs when I’d heard her coming. So it was only me there, and she got… pissed off, to say the least. She... hit me around and then locked me in my room for a few days,” he finished. I locked eyes with him for a moment and tried not to notice how the silver in them shone. I fell back against the bed, and even though every bone in my body was telling me back off, I reached my hand out to his. He linked our fingers together.  
“Can we… Can we change the subject?” Sirius asked, staring up at the bed canopy. I didn’t notice the twitch in his jaw when I looked over to him and nodded.

“Tell me about—tell me about this person you fancy,” I said, looking up at the canopy with him. I didn’t notice his glance toward our linked hands. This was stupid. So, so stupid. But... I couldn’t let go, not yet.  
“They’re so… beautiful,” Sirius said. I closed my eyes. “Their eyes are just so nice to look at and their hair and… yeah. Really gorgeous.” Sirius huffed a bitter laugh. I didn’t ask why. I only kept my eyes closed and my head turned away from him. I didn’t want to see what he looked like when he was talking about her—when I knew that it wasn’t _me_. And Merlin, that probably made me selfish, but I just— I couldn’t do it. “It’s not even that, though. “They’re smart, and funny and so, so driven. They’re loyal and an amazing friend.” I wanted to ask him when he got all this time to notice so many things about a singular person when he only hangs around Pete, James and I. I didn’t. “They’re just… everything I’ve always wanted,” he finished. I opened my eyes again and—though it was a struggle—turned to look at Sirius. His eyes were still shining, but it was different this time. They were shining with… happy. The weight of his hand in mine felt like an anchor. I was a ship and it was only Sirius that was keeping me from drifting away. I cleared my throat and unlinked our hands.  
“She sounds… lovely,” I said. Sirius cleared his throat and looked from his hand to mine. His eyes didn’t move from my empty palm as he smiled weakly..  
“Yeah... she is,” he said quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I literally made her kill a dog. Walburga would do that though, I'm not wrong.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	8. Halloween At Hogwarts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween and you know what that means... embarrassing James and making giant spiders...

“What do you mean you don’t have it?” James yelled, clinging onto his hair like he was going to pull it out. Pete shrivelled under his gaze and I winced.  
“It got out!” Wormtail shouted back, frantic. James had been tense all week in anticipation of the big Halloween prank and it was finally here. Tonight, in the Great Hall. I looked up at Padfoot, who was lounging across James’ bed, eating a muffin from the basket Pete’s parents had sent as per tradition every Sunday. He locked eyes with me, finding this almost as amusing as I was. I bit my lip to keep from grinning and flicked one of Sirius’ hair ties at James. He stopped shouting and snapped his head in my direction.  
“Oi! What was that for Moony?” he asked, bringing his hand up to rub the spot on his neck that the hair tie hit.  
“To make you shut up,” I laughed, earning a rude gesture in return. Sirius snorted. “We’re in a nearly one-thousand-year-old castle, Prongs, I saw at least five spiders just on the way to class the other day.” Realisation dawned on James’ face, but he started mocking me nonetheless.  
“I’m _Moony_ and I’m _so_ smart,” he said, hands flying everywhere. “I’m definitely smarter than James because James is just _so dumb_ , isn’t he?” he said, looking at me spitefully. I shrugged.  
“Well, you said it,” I said. Sirius spat muffin crumbs all over the carpet and Pete snorted. I, on the other hand, bolted out of the dorm and down the stairs before James could hit me.

“What in Merlin?” Lily mumbled as I stumbled into her and kept running.  
“Sorry, Lily!” I called back, sprinting for the portrait hole.  
“Hey, Evans!” James yelled behind him, passing Lily just as quick as I did. I bolted out of the portrait hole and slammed the portrait straight back into James’ face.  
“Excuse me!” The Fat Lady exclaimed at the same time James shouted,  
“Moony!” I rounded the corner and caught my breath. When I looked up, I couldn’t help the grin that formed on my face.  
“Accio spiders,” I whispered under my breath. James would definitely find out that I meant plural. Soon enough.

* * *

I always loved Halloween at Hogwarts. Of course, the parties were never all that great, what with students dressed left, right and centre in all sorts of werewolf costumes. Even Professor Sprout dressed as a werewolf one year. Although she also dressed as a mandrake another year and kept squealing at kids who were making too much noise. That was a little bit more offensive if I’m being honest. But despite the ignorant costumes, Halloween was almost my favourite holiday of the year. The Halloween Feast was even better than the Christmas feast, overflowing with honeyed meals and charmed sweets. All of the decorations around the Great Hall, like the floating jack o'lanterns, the cobwebs (although they were there all year round), the shadows dancing throughout. And the costumes. Every year, the teachers would have a costume competition. Dumbledore won most years. He always came dressed up as people around the school. Nearly Headless Nick, Filch, Hagrid, one time he even came dressed up as McGonagall. Everyone was waiting for the inevitable anger, but Minnie only cracked a smile and charmed a long, white beard onto her face. I’ve never seen a teacher, let alone Dumbledore, laugh so much. But last year, Professor McGonagall won. She came dressed up as James. The whole school lost it. James would not shut up about it for weeks. I laughed at the memory, earning a few odd looks from the marauders. I pulled a face back at them and stepped into the Great Hall.

It was the same as always, but somehow it was still even better than before. I took a deep breath and kept walking. I was supposed to be the one to let the spider go. It was in a container hidden in my robes. James nudged me.  
“What?” I asked, rolling my eyes because it was always James that got us caught.  
“Well… I just… they might kill the spider, right? Should we be letting that happen?” he asked, wringing out his fingers. I heard a huff behind me.  
“Prongs, you made me stay awake past midnight to plan this prank, don’t go and get a bloody conscience now,” Wormtail said. I choked back a laugh and James turned around to whack Pete across the head. We got to the Gryffindor table and sat down. This part was the only part we’d avoided planning. I was supposed to let the spider go, but we needed it to stay in sight, but not too close to us. Sirius was going to enlarge it—he was the only one of us that could be trusted to do non-verbal magic without blowing someone’s head off—once it was a safe distance away from us. James had suggested that we just _imperio_ it and get it into the right place. We had to remind him that unforgivable curses were illegal.

“Bloody hell! Did you see that?” James asked, a giddy smile on his face. I looked away from my robes, where I’d subconsciously been staring, to James.  
“What? I asked, looking around. Pete smirked.  
“Lily just waved at James first,” he said. I shook my head.  
“Impossible, she’s never been able to get a word in before you’ve made the first move, Prongs,” I said, looking back to James. He flicked a piece of fluff from his robes to me and pouted.  
“I'm laying low this year, he explained, stretching out—in all sense of the word—arrogantly. He folded his hands behind his head and smirked. “Trying to be less of an ‘arrogant toerag’ as Lily so gracefully described me.” I didn’t point out that he called her Lily and not Evans. Instead, I motioned to the way he was sitting, and he flipped me off before sitting up straight.  
“Good luck with that, mate. I don’t know if sarcastically air-quoting her is the best way to go about it, but I’m sure you’ll get there,” Sirius spoke for the first time tonight. James swung his arm around and hit Sirius too, but Sirius just pulled James onto his lap and winked suggestively. He only laughed and tried to lick Sirius’ face. I rolled my eyes and turned to the staff table, where Professor McGonagall was standing up to gather the attention of the students. Laughter started filling the room as everyone saw what she was dressed up as. A cat. She was wearing a cheap, grey, fur coat and black clip-on ears. Sirius barked a laugh from next to me and I didn’t notice the feeling I got at the sound. 

Instead, I looked back at him for confirmation. He nodded, and I subtly pulled the jar from my robe as Dumbledore—dressed as _the literal Merlin_ , not that it was difficult to achieve for him—started talking. I reached down, after a moment, to tie my shoelaces, and I’d successfully let the spider out and given it a push in the right direction before I sat back up. I kept my eye and my foot in the direction of the spider, just like we’d talked about. Pete kept nudging my foot and after a moment I finally looked. He nodded toward James-who was sweating like crazy. I huffed a laugh and looked back toward the spider; it was scuttling toward the back of the Great Hall.

I scratched my nose to signal to Sirius, and chaos erupted. Almost like it was slow motion, the coin-sized spider grew into the size of the giant squid, all gangly, furry legs and too many eyes. About 500 kids stood up and ran, the screaming commenced (including a high pitched squeal from Filch), Hagrid was immediately in front of the spider, waving his hands to stop the teachers from cursing it, McGonagall was already glaring toward us and James, Sirius, Pete and I were laughing our asses off. James’ laughter wasn’t about to last long though; I pulled the jar back out from my robes and got ready to open the container again. The chaos continued until a sudden hush fell over the Great Hall at Dumbledore’s voice.  
“Reducio!” he shouted, and the spider shrunk down to its original size. It scuttled away and under the door just before Filch could stamp his foot down on it. “Whoever that was-” Dumbledore started with an amused smirk. I didn’t hear the rest because, taking advantage of the near-silence, I threw the second spider into James’ lap under the table. 

I swear he let out a louder and more ear-piercing shriek than the mandrakes we had to re-pot in second year. The entire room turned in our direction and broke out into laughter as James leapt from the table and shook every limb he could to free himself from the spider. I even caught Snape laughing at one point. After James realised, way too late, that the spider was long gone, he looked up and everyone went quiet. Bright red and sheepish, he looked to Lily (bright red and laughing) before he sat down and mumbled an incoherent apology to Dumbledore. The professor only smiled and continued his speech. I could feel James’ glare on me the whole time. When the food was revealed and the prank was history, McGonagall locked eyes with us all and gave us a knowing look. I smiled sweetly back at her and dug into my food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a bit, the next chapter should be posted in a few days and it will be a second part to this one. Thanks for reading :)


	9. Truth or Dare?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gryffindors play a game of Truth or Dare and some secrets are spilled...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Underage drinking and mentions of sexual content and homophobia.

“Oh, come on,” I complained at the sight of Marlene dressed as a werewolf. Sirius snorted behind me and I elbowed him in the ribs. Marlene ran up to us.  
“Hey, that prank was brilliant,” she said, smiling. She looked to Sirius. “And throwing that spider at James was hilarious, good job.”  
“Oi!” James shouted. “That wasn’t funny, it was bullying!” he corrected her, outraged. Marlene scoffed at him  
“It was funny, Prongs,” Sirius said, earning a glare filled with too much amusement to be a real glare. “That was all Moony, anyway,” he told Marlene. She nodded and high fived me.  
“Good one, Lupin,” she said. I winced at the fur covered gloves on her hands.  
“Thanks, how’d you get changed so quickly?” I asked. Dinner had only ended a few minutes ago and I hadn’t seen Marlene leave early. She smiled.  
“Broom closet on the way here,” she explained before looking us up and down. “You guys don’t have costumes?” James grinned at the question.  
“Uh, no we don—” I started to explain that we hadn’t even talked about costumes this year, when James cut in.  
“Yes, we do,” he said. I raised my eyebrows. “Come on Moony” he ordered, grabbing all four of us and leading us upstairs. Marlene waved goodbye, trying not to laugh while I glared daggers at James.

“We didn’t discuss costumes, James,” I spat, still being dragged up the dormitory stairs by my collar. He shrugged.  
“Yeah, because you would have said no,” he explained, like it was obvious.  
“Wormy, did you know about this?” I asked. Pete was trekking up the stairs slowly behind us, though the slow part was more due to my refusal to walk. He looked up at me and then glanced around the hallway. His nervous tic. “Ugh, you guys are horrible,” I complained. “What are the costumes, then?” I asked, finally standing up to walk. James kept tugging on my shirt, though. He turned around and grinned at me.  
“You’ll see, Moony. You’ll see.” I shook my head. 

* * *

“They’re not even remotely funny,” I said, looking down at James' bed, where four costumes were laid out. Peter stifled a laugh. “Where did you even get them?” I asked. James grinned.  
“Mum made them,” he said proudly. I rolled my eyes and looked over to Sirius and his stupid smirk.  
“Come on, Moony! It’s Halloween,” he reasoned. I didn’t notice how his eyes raked my body before he looked at the—  
I sighed.  
“You don’t even want me to wear the werewolf one, do you?” I asked, which seemed to set off a fit of laughter for all three of them. I looked back at the costumes and cringed at the rat one. It was the only one that would fit me, so I guessed it was mine. Shaking my head at the boys—still laughing—I picked up the costume and took it into the bathroom.

It had ears. 

Or more specifically, two clips with felt, triangle rat ears. I was sighing the whole time Pete was putting them in my hair. We all stood in the bathroom mirror, and… I didn’t hate it. Well, I hated it, but I had to admit it was kind of amusing. Despite the fact that no one else would get the joke. I said as much to James but he just scoffed and brushed some invisible dust off my shoulder. Pete and I shared a look. 

James was dressed as Padfoot. The dog. He was wearing—he was wearing a black…shaggy...dog onesie. That’s what the costumes were; onesies. Two black ears, attached to a headband—I was the only one that didn’t get a headband—were tangled somewhere within James’ mess of hair. I rolled my eyes and looked at Pete, who was dressed as a stag, with two Antlers sticking out of his head from a green headband. I chuckled to myself. Of course Peter would’ve wanted to dress up as Prongs. Which left Sirius. I can’t say I’ve ever seen Sirius in a onesie. But Merlin, I wished I’d seen it sooner. He was wearing a grey fluffy onesie and matching ears because _of fucking course_ Sirius would be the one to dress as me. I didn’t notice how utterly, stupidly adorable he looked. Instead, I looked at myself in the mirror. A thick, grey onesie with wiry fur, oddly similar to real—  
“Prongs, your mum didn’t use real fur for this, did she?” I asked. Peter opened his mouth to reply, a smirk on his face and I shoved him away from me. James laughed.  
“No, _Moody_ , she didn’t,” he scoffed, walking toward the bathroom door. I turned around and raised my eyebrow at him.  
“Moody?” I asked, ignoring Sirius and Pete beside me, trying not to laugh. James grinned.  
“You heard me,” he said, walking out the door. “We have a party to attend, Marauders,” he shouted from the dorm. Sirius’ grin when we followed James out—and found him holding a bottle of firewhiskey—was devilish. 

* * *

“So why am _I_ not the werewolf?” I asked, walking down the dormitory stairs and looking at the baggy onesie I was in. Sirius nudged my arm.  
“Two reasons. One, you would have outright refused,” he explained. I huffed a laugh and nodded.  
“And two,” James continued on from Sirius like they were sharing thoughts. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were. “People might connect the dots with our nicknames and our costumes,” he finished. I looked at him for a moment, expecting something more. He didn’t say anything else.  
“I hate your logic,” I said, my voice dull. James scoffed and I walked a little faster.

Dorcas—dressed half-heartedly as Little Red Riding Hood (half-heartedly, because she was just wearing her normal clothes with a red, hooded cape over the top), no doubt by Marlene’s doing—whistled as we came down the stairs. She whistled long and slow and the whole room turned our way. At least, James seemed to think so. He opened his arms arrogantly and welcomed in the stares, holding the bottle of firewhiskey in his right hand. Only, almost no one was staring at us. I whacked James across the back of the head lightly and he spun to glare at me. I smiled sweetly and walked over to Lily, who was by the record player, probably waiting for the song to end so she could pick a new one. She was dressed as… herself? She laughed as I walked over.  
“Damn, Lupin, you look hot,” she said, grinning. I spun around for her.  
“Thank you, thank you, I really think the uh… rat ears… help my complexion,” I said, and Lily laughed again. “What are you supposed to be?” I asked, though that seemed like a mistake. She frowned at me and insisted that ‘clearly’ she was supposed to be some actress I’d never heard of. I opened and closed my mouth a few times and then apologised before she finally caved and started laughing. I raised my eyebrows.  
“I didn’t dress up," she explained. "I wasn’t really planning on it anyway, and then I was going to try to put something together last night, but I had prefect rounds,” she explained. I nodded. The song died down and Lily practically jumped toward the album she wanted to play.

_A Night at the Opera - Queen_

“Oh yes. Oh yes, yes, yes,” I said, watching her set the record up. She placed the arm down and Bohemian Rhapsody started, much to half of the room’s protests of it being overplayed. I only respected the other half. Lily laughed at my terrible lip-synching until something else caught her attention. Or… someone else. Sirius, to be exact, dancing along to Freddie, on a table, in a onesie. I couldn’t help the grin that spread over my face or the laughter that broke out of me when Sirius locked eyes with me, eyes glinting, and jumped down from the table to walk over to me.  
“Oh wow,” I said. It was all I could say. I tried not to notice how he still looked that good in a bloody too-big onesie. I cleared my throat and Sirius laughed.  
“Freddie has a spell on me, Moony. You can’t put Bohemian Rhapsody on and expect me not to dance,” Sirius said. I huffed a laugh and turned around to tell him it was Lily’s fault, but Lily had disappeared. I turned back around to see him smirking. Sirius lifted an arm up to brush his fingers through his hair, but Alice came up behind him and placed James’ bottle of firewhiskey in his hand before he could. He spun around, grinning. 

“Are you trying to get me drunk, dear Alice?” he asked, his eyes glazing into the picture of innocence. Alice batted her eyelashes at Sirius and smiled. She was dressed as… Alice. From Alice in Wonderland. I had no doubt that Lily had been the one to tell her about it, and I had no doubt that Alice had thought her costume was hilarious.  
“I would never, Black,” she gasped, placing her hand on her heart. Okay, I could understand it. I could understand why James thought Sirius might like her. But he didn’t, right? He couldn’t. And Alice definitely didn’t like _him_ , right? She and Frank had been dancing around each other since third year. Sirius wouldn’t hurt Frank like that. I shook my head.  
“Alice, you’re a dork, and I love your costume,” I told her. Alice looked at me and smiled. “You wound me Remus, but thank you,” she said, shaking her blonde curls and clutching the blue dress to curtsy. I laughed. “Come on, we’re playing truth or dare,” she said, smiling differently now. I suppressed the groan of protest that was building in my chest and smiled back. She grabbed Sirius and me by the front of our onesies and dragged us over to a small circle in the corner of the common room. Lily, Marlene, Mary, Dorcas, Fabian, Kingsley, James and Peter were all sitting in the circle, arguing loudly about something I couldn’t decipher.  
“Where’s Gideon?” I asked Sirius. He smirked and pointed over to the fireplace, where Gideon was seated almost on top of a 7th year, making out intensely on one of the red armchairs.  
“Oh no! That’s my favourite armchair,” I complained, making a note not to sit there again. Sirius patted me on the shoulder.  
“I know, Moony, I know…” he said.

“Shut up!” Alice shouted. She didn’t ask what the group were all yelling about. “Now, let’s start. Sirius took the place between Pete and Kingsley and the three of them immediately broke into a conversation I couldn’t hear. I sat down between James and Marlene, who were having a discussion about the looming first quidditch game of the year. James hadn’t been talking about quidditch as much as he’d usually be—he’d wanted to be picked for Quidditch Captain this year, but Preston Fawley got picked instead. James would get chosen next year, though. I was sure of it. The annual Hufflepuff vs Gryffindor match started in two weeks, and I could only imagine how much James was going to talk about it. There was a second bottle of firewhiskey within the circle suddenly, and the two bottles were being passed around as the chatter died down. 

“Okay, who’s going first?” Fabian asked, his eyes glinting. I wasn’t sure who he was dressed up as, but he had a peacock-feathered fedora on, along with a long muggle trench coat and shining loafers. James passed the bottle to me and I hesitated, thinking about what a hangover might do a week before the full moon, but drank anyway. I quickly passed the bottle to Marlene, but not before Fabian’s eyes caught the movement.  
“Lupin! Truth or dare?” he asked, and with that, everyone’s eyes turned my way and the game began. I coughed from the heat of the alcohol in my chest and looked at Sirius. I couldn’t afford to tell a secret right now.  
“Uh, dare, I guess,” I said, earning a few cheers. No one ever really started the game with a dare. Fabian looked up at the roof, thinking.  
“Okay, okay…” he started, looking back at me. I tried not to think too much into it, tried not to be so scared, but Fabian was taking too long. “Sit in Kingsley’s lap until your next turn,” he grinned. I paled. Kingsley was gay. Everyone at Hogwarts knew that. He was the only openly gay guy in Gryffindor and most of the school gave him so much crap. Kingsley’s coming out experience was the reason I’ve only told the Marauders and Lily… and Kingsley… that I’m bisexual. Kingsley was also my sexual awakening. Kingsley was also shirtless right now, dressed as the Greek god, Apollo, because apparently, all gods must be fucking shirtless. Kingsley was also my ex. But no one knew about that. I’m pretty sure an odd noise came out of me because Fabian laughed and raised his eyebrows. I looked at Kingsley—he was looking anywhere but at me. “Remus?” Fabian asked, waiting for my reply.  
“Uh… yeah alright,” I choked out, walking over to Pete first, who was holding the bottle of firewhiskey. I took a swig and sat with Kingsley, trying to ignore Sirius beside me and hoping someone would choose me again really soon.

I was completely on top of Kingsley, my back against his stomach and leaning to the side a little so that he could still see. I’d tried to just sit next to him, put my knee on his leg or something, but everyone had caught on really quickly.  
“Alright, Remus, your turn,” Marlene called out, gesturing to the circle. I looked to Sirius. He was paler than usual, his fingers drumming on his knee. I wanted to ask what was wrong. Merlin, I wanted to pull him aside and snog him senseless. I shuddered and blamed the thought on the firewhiskey still burning in my chest. Kingsley’s body was warm against mine, and for a second, I almost leaned into that warmth, but I quickly jolted up straight, knocking our elbows together.  
“Flustered, Lupin?” Kingsley breathed in my ear. I focused on James’ wristband, red and gold. Braided. Red. And gold.  
“Not at all, King,” I smiled back tightly, not noticing Sirius, a few inches away.  
“Remus?” Marlene said again, waiting. I shifted forward a little.  
“Uh, yeah,” I said. “Sorry.” Kingsley huffed a laugh behind me. I ignored it. “Mary?” I asked. She looked up from where she’d been picking at the carpet. “Truth or dare?” I asked. She smiled at me and considered the question.  
“Truth,” she answered, smiling sheepishly as everyone groaned. Mary was dressed as the Grey Lady. Her long black hair was curled into light waves and two strands were pulled back and held together by a dark clip. Her dress almost looked like she’d charmed her school robes a light grey and added lace trimming where it suited. She was smiling up at me, waiting for a question. I went for a generic one.  
“If you could snog anyone sitting in this circle, who would it be?” I asked. Mary blushed and Dorcas ran over to her, cupping her hands over Mary’s ears.  
“Remus!” Dorcas shouted, and I jumped, scared I’d done something wrong. The circle fell silent and everyone looked at me. “Mary is too innocent for that language! She will not be snogging anyone!” Dorcas cried out indignantly, and everyone chuckled. I loosed a breath and started to relax before I remembered I was still sitting in Kingsley’s lap. And his knee was digging into my leg. And Sirius was still only inches away. Mary glared and swatted Dorcas away.  
“Oh, bugger off Dorcas,” she said, and Dorcas took back her seat next to Marlene. They linked hands and I looked away quickly, not ready for the thoughts that would fill my head at the image. The jealousy that shouldn’t be there.  
Mary looked at me and blushed but said, almost confidently, “probably you.” I sputtered something incoherent and Kingsley grabbed my hand—which I quickly pulled away from— while everyone started making all sorts of teenage, drunk noises. Mary smiled nervously and averted my gaze, while I mumbled a confused ‘thanks’ and looked at the ground. Frank, on the other side of Kingsley and I, shook my shoulder in an almost congratulatory way. I brushed it off and waited for the noise to die down. Peter passed me one of the bottles of Firewhiskey. I took another swig and passed it to Kingsley.

The bottle got passed around like the questions and dares around the circle until both were nearly empty, several people had snogged, and Fabian had just come out, which _really_ got Kingsley’s attention. Finally, _finally_ , someone called my name. For a moment, I couldn’t put a name to the voice, but I realised quickly that it was Lily. I turned my head in her direction and the room spun with it.  
“Truth or dare, Re?” She asked, smiling. I scrambled off of Kinglsey’s lap as quickly as I could muster and a few people laughed. Lily was waiting for an answer and I ran my hands through my hair, thinking. If I picked dare, she would for sure ask me to snog Mary. Which I most definitely did not want to do. Sirius was drumming his fingers against his knee again. I guess I could lie if someone asked who I fancied. I could just say the name of some Hufflepuff girl from one of my classes. I blinked slowly.  
“Truth,” I chose, looking at Lily. She smiled and thought for a moment before that smile turned sly.  
“Are you a virgin?” She asked. I blushed, thinking of Kingsley, thinking of everything I hadn’t told the Marauders. Would Sirius think less of me? Fuck.  
“Uh..." I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. "No,” I admitted, my cheeks burning. James’ mouth made an outraged noise as he yelled at me about the no secret rule and Pete was leaning across Sirius, slapping my leg and yelling ‘WHO?’ at me. But Sirius… he was just staring at me, lips parted, eyes blank. I looked down at my shoes, ignoring them all. Ignoring Kingsley, who was suddenly finding the roof very interesting. Lily laughed.  
“Who?” she asked, like she thought I’d actually say. I smiled.  
“Not my turn anymore,” I smiled and Lily groaned in protest. 

“Sirius, truth or dare?” I asked, looking toward Sirius but pointedly avoiding his eyes. He shuddered slightly, like he was breaking out of deep thought. I didn’t notice.  
“Truth,” he said, almost without hesitation. Sirius almost always chose dare. He’d wink at whoever asked him and, with a smug smirk on his face, he’d pick dare, loud and clear. I cleared my throat. You know, it wasn’t like I noticed any of his mannerisms or anything. Blinking quickly, I finally looked him in the eye. He was looking right back at me, something I couldn’t quite catch in his swirling grey eyes. I didn’t notice how my stomach churned at the sight of the dark eyeliner on his eyes or how soft his bloody hair looked. Years passed as we stared at each other, our gazes locked, Sirius’ lips parted, waiting. Waiting. Fuck. Waiting for me.  
“Uh, um, who do you fancy?” I stumbled over my words, finally choking them out. That’s not what I’d meant to ask. I was going to ask a stupid question like who would he save from a fire or would he rather kiss James or Pete (knowing full well he wouldn’t want to kiss either). Something stupid and childish and instead, I screwed up and asked the one question I desperately wanted to know the answer to. Sirius’ mouth opened and closed, his eyelids shuttering as he tried to come up with something. Everyone but the Marauders looked confused, and James happily obliged. 

“Sirius fancies someone, but he won’t tell us who it is. He’s not allowed to answer that question though, because we’ve got a bet going on.” James directed that last part at me, but I couldn’t take his stern eyes seriously. His glasses were crooked. I nodded and turned my head just in time to follow Sirius’ gaze. He was looking at Marlene, who was looking right back at him, giving him an almost knowing look. Pete must have caught on too, because he piped up.  
“Thought you were gay, Marls,” he said, misinterpreting the situation. Unless… he wasn’t? I shook my head and Marlene grinned.  
“Gayer than David Bowie riding a unicycle on a rainbow,” she smiled, though there was a bite in her words. She linked her hand with Dorcas’ again. They were out. They were open and they were out and they were together. It had been a struggle. Girls had made rude comments, guys had made disgusting comments, teachers had said some fucked up things. But now...now they were happy. And I wished I could have that so badly. I flicked away an invisible piece of lint from my onesie and looked at Sirius.  
“Guess I’ll ask a different question then?” I asked. Sirius smiled, his cheeks burning.  
“Yeah,” he choked out. I smiled.  
“Would you rather kiss James or Pete?” I managed through gritted teeth. Sirius huffed a laugh as James and Pete both groaned.  
“Pete,” he said. “I’d teach him a thing or two,” he said, winking at a disgusted Pete. I didn’t feel a pang of irrational jealousy at that remark. And I didn’t notice—as Sirius licked smooth, pink lips—just how much I wanted him to teach me a thing or two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy! Sorry this took a while, it went for wayyy longer than I thought it would, but I hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading :)


	10. Nice Ass, Potter!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus get into a bit of an argument before the Gryffindor quidditch team’s first training...

“You’re kidding,” I said, knowing full well that Sirius wasn’t kidding. Each of his cheeks were adorned with red and gold stripes and his hair was held up with the same coloured ribbons. He grinned, checking himself out in the mirror.  
“I’m very Sirius, Moony,” he chuckled and I only glared. “Oh stop pouting,” he said, looking at me in the mirror. I couldn’t help the hand that drifted to my head and attempted to tidy my hair, messy from the school day. And I didn’t notice Sirius’ eyes tracking my hand. “Or I’ll make you wear it too,” he finished, glancing at the palette of face paint on the counter. I smirked.  
“Yeah, good luck with that,” I said and Sirius raised his hand, showing me his two linked fingers—for luck. I smiled and turned away before he could see the heat in my cheeks. When I turned back, Sirius was applying eyeliner with total concentration. I didn’t notice how steady his hand was or the way his eyes rolled back slightly to avoid the pain. I shuddered. There was still a ghost of a smile on Sirius’ face, but it didn’t seem…

“Hey Sirius?” I said, leaning against the bathroom door frame. He blinked quickly a few times before he looked at me and moved on to his other eye.  
“Hmm?”  
“Are you okay?” I blurted the question before I could talk myself out of it. I just wanted to make sure. I wanted to… I didn’t know what I wanted. Sirius moved away from the eyeliner pencil.  
“Yeah, I’m alright… why?” he asked, sceptical. I bit my lip and shifted to lean against the other side of the door frame.  
“Well, I just… I don’t know, you probably don’t want to talk about it, but a lot of shit has happened recently and I just don’t want to ignore it.” I was still biting my lip and I could see the skin around it getting raw in the mirror. Sirius blinked slowly and turned to face me fully.  
“What do you mean?” he asked cautiously. I edged forward, picking at my sweater sleeve.  
“Well, there was the summer, first of all.” Sirius’ eyes fell shut and I immediately regretted the words. “And um, shit, um, there was Bellatrix, the day we brewed amortentia,” I continued. Sirius’ head had fallen back so he was facing the roof. I’d fucked everything up already but I couldn’t shut up. “And the astronomy tower, which was my fault and I...” Sirius flinched and I chose not to complete that sentence. “And you were joking about the letter but I don’t think you really took it that lightly,” I finished, wishing, as I saw Sirius’ eyes open and glaze over, that I had worded that differently. Or just stopped talking.  
“Thanks, Moony, I’ll be sure to let the tears fall next time my mother spits curses on my name through the mail,” Sirius said, turning back to the mirror to finish the eyeliner on his right eye.

“No, but Sirius—okay that’s fair. I didn't mean it like that though…”  
“How did you mean it then?” Sirius snapped. He turned to face me fully. “I can handle it, Remus. I don’t need to talk about my feelings, alright?” he turned back to the mirror again and finished his eyeliner, a lot less carefully this time. I opened my mouth to tell him that it wasn’t alright, that I just wanted him to talk to me. To trust me. It was probably a good thing that James walked in when he did. 

“Aww, no face paint Moony?” he joked, glancing at Sirius, who was grinning now. It was James’ first practise, nevermind that there was only a week and a half before the first game. (“If I was captain I would have started practice the minute we got back,” James had said.) The captain subject was still fragile, which was the main reason Sirius was smiling and decking himself with Gryffindor decorations. “You know it’s only practice, yeah Pads?” James asked, smirking. Sirius rolled his eyes.  
“I’m sorry, Prongs, I can’t hear you over the deafening roar of my Gryffindor Pride!” he shouted. James looked at me and grinned, so I smiled back and excused myself from the room before I could ruin his mood. Or make things worse with Sirius. 

Pete was lying on his bed and watching the map when I walked out.  
“You good Wormtail?” I asked, pulling open my drawer to find my scarf. It wasn’t Winter yet but someone had forgotten to tell the weather that, apparently. Peter looked up at me and nodded, twisting to sit up so his legs were hanging off his bed.  
“Yeah, ‘m just bored,” he explained, turning the map upside down. I furrowed my brows and reached for my shoes and undoing the laces.  
“So you’re watching people walk around the castle?” I asked, confused. I jumped at a noise behind me and looked out the window. Great. It was starting to rain. I looked back to Pete, who was nodding.  
“Yeah, it’s pretty interesting. Angie Halla and Jake Preston are alone in a classroom together on the third floor,” he said, squinting at the map. I pulled another jacket out of my closet.  
“Huh, wouldn’t have picked that,” I remarked. Peter only hummed back. “Are you coming to training?” I asked him. He opened his mouth to respond but James cut in from the bathroom door.  
“He bloody well better be,” he said, smirking and messing up his hair. Sirius messed it up more from behind him and laughed at James when he tried to retaliate. Peter groaned from the bed and with a hopeless glance at the rain falling down the window, reached for his shoes. 

* * *

“It’s bloody freezing,” I said, looking toward Sirius. His hair stuck to his face in strands from the rain and I didn’t notice the small raindrops falling down his face and over his lips. I didn’t. He’d sat on the other side of Pete, which I guessed was because of my big mouth earlier. Sirius didn’t say anything in response and Peter, misinterpreting the comment for him, grumbled something I couldn’t quite pick up on, excluding the words “no choice,” and “don’t even like quidditch.” I smiled to myself and chose not to think about Sirius. Apparently, that wasn't very difficult because right then, a sharp pain shot through my back before it slowed to a dull ache. I yelped and both Pete and Sirius’ heads snapped my way. Sirius’ brow creased before he remembered he was supposed to be mad at me and turned away. Pete leaned closer.  
“You alright Moony?” he asked. I shrugged, regretting it when a spike of pain rose again.  
“Full moon soon,” I explained, which seemed to get Sirius’ attention again.  
“Sunday, yeah?” Pete asked, putting a hand on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to pass before I nodded. Sirius was watching the team file out onto the field when I opened them again.

“Remus! Hi!” Someone chirped from beside me. I turned my head to find Mary, bearing a wide smile and a bar of chocolate. She looked behind me—to Pete and Sirius—and smiled. “Hey guys,” she lifted her hand in a half-wave and looked back at me. I smiled up at her. “Can I sit?”  
“Oh, uh, yeah sure,” I said, gesturing toward the seat next to me. She smiled and sat down, breaking off a piece of chocolate and handing it to me. I took it and thanked her, savouring the taste and the texture. There was nothing better than Honeyduke’s. She was wrapped in at least ten layers, her black hair hidden underneath a beanie but her eyes still bright. I glanced back toward the field.

The team was up in the air now, passing quaffles back and forth, flying laps around the field and practising spins and flips. James, being talked to by Fawley about what seemed to be his hair, looked miserable. That was until Sirius called out to him.  
“Nice ass, Potter!” he said, turning at least half the team’s heads. James grinned and winked back Sirius before Fawley walked off to demonstrate some keeping techniques to Dorcas. James flew over quickly and stopped in front of Sirius and Pete. His glasses were dripping with water, so much that I doubted he could see and was lucky so, because if he caught a glimpse of his hair in a reflection somewhere, he’d be devastated. It was flat and dripping wet, along with the rest of him. James opened his mouth and I leaned in to listen before I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Mary smiling at me.  
“Hey,” she said. I smiled back.  
“Hey.”  
“So, do you actually like quidditch or are you just here to watch James?” she asked, licking her lips. I huffed a laugh.  
“No, I like it. I mean I prefer an actual game to training, but it’s cool to see how the team all moves together like they’re sharing thoughts. I mean if you watch,” I pointed to Marlene and Dorcas, who were now practising passing the quaffle up and down the field, “Marls and Dorcas are moving to catch the quaffle before they even see where it’s going.” I turned to face Mary and found her smiling at me. She blinked a few times and from behind me and I heard someone scoff. James was staring at me, one eyebrow raised. Next to me, Pete and Sirius were talking—well Pete was talking while Sirius was gazing hard out at the field. The Gryffindor colours on his face were contradictory to his dull eyes and I wanted to take his hand. I wanted to tell him I was sorry and I wanted him to look at me because right now, I thought he might never look at me again. I cleared my throat.

“Problem, Prongs?” I asked. Sirius’ gaze fluttered to James and his raised eyebrow just as he winked and jutted his chin out to Mary, who was searching through her bag for something. I rolled my eyes, knowing what he was suggesting. “Don’t you have a quaffle to catch?” I spat and James laughed.  
“That I do,” James said. He smirked at me and mounted his broom. “Looks like you’ve got something else to catch, Moony,” he grinned, shooting up to the rest of the team before I could throw something at him. Pete chuckled from beside me and Mary, oblivious to what we were talking about, made a noise of confusion. She opened her mouth to say something but Pete’s voice came through instead.  
“Sirius?” he asked. I spin around to see Sirius, walking off toward the locker rooms. It didn’t look like he was just going for a shower. I turned back to Mary, who was starting to say something. I smiled apologetically and stood up.  
“Sorry, Mary, I’ve uh… I’m just going to check on Sirius,” I said. She opened and closed her mouth before she nodded.  
“Okay, I’ll see you soon,” she smiled. I nodded back and half jogged after Sirius.

With the slow ache in my back, I took me a little longer than it should have to catch up to Sirius, and by the time I did, he was already in the locker room. I edged in cautiously, listening to him, when I heard a tap running. Maybe he actually was having a shower? I turned the corner and saw Sirius standing at the sink, splashing water on his face. He straightened and faced the mirror, clenching his eyes shut. I didn’t notice how fucking beautiful he looked in that moment. The gryffindor paint on his cheeks was mixing with the small water droplets running down his face until the stripes were nothing but smudged red and gold streaks. His eyes, shut like he was in pain, were stained with his eyeliner—smudged now too. The face in the mirror was the face I only saw late at night when Sirius woke from a nightmare, or in the split moment when he saw his family owl flying toward him. It was beautiful and painful and it hit something in the pit of my gut. It was Sirius. And Sirius was beautiful. Not that I noticed.

I was about to take a step forward or make a noise to let him know I was here when Sirius opened his eyes. His eyes caught mine through the reflection and he spun around quickly.  
“Uh… Moony,” He sputtered, grasping the edge of the counter. I quirked my mouth.  
“Hey uh… you walked off suddenly and I—“ I stopped talking when Sirius’ head fell and he took a deep breath. “I, um, I can go if you want?” I offered, taking a small step backwards. Sirius’ head shot back up quickly.  
“No!” he half-shouted. “Uh, I mean, um, you don’t have to,” he said. I nodded and walked over to him, stopping in front of him, dangerously close. Sirius sighed and sat on the locker room floor. I fell down with him, watching his eyes flutter as he tried to think of something to say.  
“I shouldn’t have gotten so mad,” he settled on. I smiled slightly and pulled my sweater sleeves over my hands.  
“No, no you had every right. I shouldn’t have pushed. It’s not my business,” I said. I didn’t say how much I wanted it to be my business. How much I wanted to be the person that Sirius told everything to. I wanted to hold him and tell him it was going to be okay and I wanted him to believe me. I wanted him to feel like he could do anything with me. And I desperately wanted to know who that person was for him. I desperately wanted to know who it was that he liked and why he didn’t like me. _Because he’s not gay. Because you’re trying to insert yourself where you're not wanted._

_Because you’re a monster._

The thought eddied through me until that was all I could hear, even as Sirius was telling me something, even as he started apologising for being distant, even as his arms wrapped me in a tight hug and that should have snapped me out of it and that should have been everything and instead all I could comprehend were my thoughts and then nothing because everything went black.  
“Remus!” I heard before I couldn’t hear anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii, I’m sorry I’ve been gone for like three weeks, obviously lots of stuff has been happening and, um, I literally just couldn’t write for a bit... sorry.  
> As always, thanks for reading :) I appreciate it sooo much


	11. Night, Pads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus wakes up to an apologetic Sirius in the Hospital Wing

My head was on fire. No, scratch that, my whole body was on fire. I flipped the sheet off of me and sat up, but the pain that shot through my body at the movement was almost ten times worse. Someone made a noise from beside me and, turning my head slowly, I saw that Sirius was asleep in the chair by the bed. The bed. I was in the hospital wing. What happened? Sirius stirred from beside me, groaning low. His eyes fluttered open. I ran my hands through my hair, damp with sweat.  
“Moony?” Sirius breathed. I didn’t notice his tangled hair or how the dim hallway light was framing his face, glinting off his half open eyes. 

“Hm?” I laid back down and turned my head to face Sirius. He rubbed at his eyes before he leaned forward.  
“I—you—do you remember what happened?” he asked. “Are you feeling okay?”  
“We were in the locker room and I got really dizzy. Did I faint?” Sirius nodded. “I’m really hot,” I said. I didn’t know how I’d moved so suddenly before because now I could barely lift my arm. I coughed, the movement burning my lungs. Sirius edged forward.  
“You’re still—you’re still wearing like three sweaters Moony,” he huffed a laugh. “Y’might want to take one off?” he suggested. I nodded, but I was still stuck. Every movement hurt.  
“I—I can’t,” I gritted out. Sirius looked confused.  
“Oh shit are you—um, do you want me to help?” he asked, sticking his arm out awkwardly. I huffed a laugh.  
“Yeah, please?”  
“Um, alright,” Sirius said, moving closer. His hands grazed my sides and I shivered—not just because of the cold. He moved the first sweater up and over my head, carefully, trying not to move me any more than necessary. I grunted as Sirius flicked the sweater onto the chair beside the bed and reached back down for the second one. He got it halfway up my torso, shifting it bit by bit so he didn’t hurt me, before he cleared his throat.

“So Madame Pomfrey said it was just the full mo—“  
“Sirius, she’s going to tell me what happened in the morning anyway,” I cut him off, wincing at a shot of pain in my arm.  
“What?” he breathed in return. I closed my eyes and tried to lift my chest off of the bed so Sirius could get the sweater out from under me. I didn’t respond until the second sweater was off.  
“She’s going—“ I loosed a breath as I moved positions, shifting myself slightly higher so I was sitting up. “She’s going to tell me whatever she’s told you in the morning, you know that… so why are you here?” I asked. Sirius’ eyes flickered but he quickly hid it and smirked.  
“Who else is going to undress my poor Moony?” he snickered. I didn’t notice the way my whole body tingled when he called me his. I shook my head.  
“Why are you here, Sirius?” I didn’t mean to sound like such a dick and Sirius didn’t seem to take it too personally, but I still felt bad. He almost always came to the hospital wing with me, but Madame Pomfrey never let him stay overnight. So he must have snuck in. “Sorry, I—“  
“No you’re right, I’m bullshitting you,” he said, messing up his hair like James always did. My mouth quirked slightly at the familiarity. 

Sirius looked toward the window, to the curtains that were drawn but still failing to hide the moonlight seeping in and casting shadows around the room. Casting shadows over Sirius’ face. I looked away. “I just wanted to make sure that you knew I wasn’t mad at you,” Sirius croaked out finally. I looked back at him, the sudden movement hurting my neck.  
“Sirius… I… what do you mean?” I thought back to before I’d fainted, to Sirius’ arms wrapped around me, to his face paint streaked like tear tracks down his face, to him apologising. His face was void of any decoration now. He must have washed it off. I shuddered and shook my head.  
“I didn’t want you to think I was still mad. Because it was a stupid thing to get mad about and I was being a dick becasue I—“ he cut off his words suddenly and looked back out the window.  
“Because you what, Sirius?” I breathed, watching him link his middle and index fingers together. I almost laughed. He was so superstitious. But what could he possibly need luck for now? Sirius turned and walked back toward me. He leaned over me and for a moment I thought he was going to—no. No, that was a stupid thought. He wrapped his hands around the hem of my last sweater and started pulling it up, carefully again. I closed my eyes and loosed a breath. 

After a stretched moment of agonising silence, Sirius finally got the sweater off and sighed.  
“I want to talk to you,” he said. I’d never been happier to hear anything.  
“Then talk to me, Sirius,” I whispered, reaching my hand out and placing it around his arm. Sirius watched my hand for a moment, like he didn’t quite know how to react, before he looked up. There were tears in his eyes. A noise I wasn’t quite sure how to explain escaped me. Sirius bit his lip and looked up to the roof. When he looked back down again, I tugged gently on his arm and pulled him up onto the bed. He cleared his throat.

“I… you’re right. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep shoving away all the shitty things that are happening. But…” he trailed off and I nodded, letting my hand drift down to his and linking them together. This was dangerous territory. Sirius looked down at our hands for a moment. “But I don’t know how to, Remus.” I fought the urge to wipe the tears from his eyes.  
“You’re safe, yeah? You can trust me, I promise,” I said, looking him straight in the eyes. He paused slightly before he nodded.  
“We always got—“ Sirius’ voice was thick. “We always got in trouble for complaining or um, or getting upset at home.” The ‘we’ was him and Regulus, I guessed. “So I—so I’ve never really… talked about my feelings and shit,” he said, huffing a laugh to conceal the sob that was no doubt building in his chest. “And I can trust James, I know that, but there’s some things I just…” he didn’t finish. I stroked my thumb across his hand a few times as Sirius’ body shook. His breath hitched and he stood up, unlinking our hands and taking a few steps back.

“Sirius?” I asked, confused. He was staring down at the hand I’d been holding, like he was trying to find the ghost of mine there. He didn’t say anything. “Sirius, you don't have to talk if you don’t want to,” I said. “I just want you to know that I’m here if you do. Or if you need anything else,” Sirius looked up at me, a thin strand of hair framing his face. He sniffled and wiped his arm across his eyes.  
“Yeah,” he choked out. “Yeah, thanks, Moony.” I nodded. “You should get some rest though. We’ll um… we’ll talk when you’re feeling better,” he said, walking toward the door. I moved to protest, but he was right. Even my bones were aching. Sirius opened the door and the hallway light flooded his face, glinting off the silver in his eyes. I nodded, and Sirius lifted James’ invisibility cloak over him.  
“Goodnight Moony,” came from the empty spot Sirius had been standing. I waited for the door to close before I groaned quietly.  
“Night, Pads,” I said into the moonlit air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, sorry this chapter’s a bit short... :)


	12. The Night Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has an eventful few days before the full moon when all he wants is rest.

I rolled over and groaned. I could never sleep well when the moon was nearing. I was feeling better than I was last night, though, and I could move without immediate pain. Madame Pomfrey, noting that I was awake, walked over to me.  
“Remus, dear,” she said, fussing over my pillow, which she pulled from behind my back to fluff, “are you in much pain?” she asked. I shook my head. She raised her eyebrows, knowing full well how I liked to underestimate my pain. “Scale of 1 to 10?” she asked, putting the pillow back behind me. I fell back onto it and, now that my eyes had adjusted to the dim morning light, checked the clock on the wall. 5:05 am. Cursed to wake up early no matter what. I looked up. Madame Pomfrey was still waiting for an answer.  
“Uh,” I lifted my arm, “a 3?” I guessed. Everything was a little bit heavy, and my head was spinning slightly, but it wasn’t gut-wrenching. It wasn’t going to interfere with my classes today. She watched me closely.  
“You best not be lying, Mr Lupin,” she smiled. I cracked a smile.  
“Of course not, Poppy,” I kept smiling, even as Madame Pomfrey rolled her eyes. After checking me from head to toe, she finally let me gather my things, get dressed and head back to the dorm for a long-awaited shower. “Thank you,” I said on the way out. Madame Pomfrey only waved her hand at me and started tidying the potions beside the bed.

When I got to the dorm, James was the only one awake. He was sitting on his bed, scratching his quill against his parchment and muttering to himself. When I closed the door, letting it click shut so James knew I was there, he smiled sheepishly up at me.  
“Hey,” I whispered, walking closer. “Last minute homework?” I asked, trying to catch a glimpse of the paper. He shook his head and I could tell, if he could blush, James would be blushing so hard right now. I smiled. “What is it, prongs?” I asked. He patted the bed.  
“Alright, but you gotta swear confidence,” he said. I linked my pinkie finger with his—a muggle habit James was mostly used to by now—and looked into his hazel brown eyes.  
“I solemnly swear, Mr Prongs,” I said in my most serious business voice. It took James less than five seconds to crack a smile and I smiled along with him until he calmed down. “Really though, I won't tell anyone,” I said. “Now what is it?” I drew my voice out into a whine that James couldn’t refuse and he rolled his eyes. 

“I’m writing a letter to Lily,” he said, smirking. I groaned, falling onto James’ bed. He flicked me in the back of the neck.  
“I thought we were done with this,” I said, rolling my eyes. I wasn’t really complaining. It was quite amusing watching James pine after Lily and he always made sure I asked her to tell me if she was ever really uncomfortable with it. She said she ‘couldn’t care less about that Potter git.’ He hadn’t been bothering her at all though, lately. Since Summer break. I thought maybe he’d moved on, but now that I thought about it more, it could have just been because of Sirius’ situation. I shook my head and looked at James.  
“Oh no, no, no, Moony. I would never betray dear Evans like that,” he said, looking down at the letter. I snorted.  
“Tell that to Olivia Wilson,” I said, earning another flick to the back of my neck.  
“One time, Moony. I made out with her one time,” James reminded me. I hummed a suggestive noise and James glared, but kept going. “Anyway, I will not give Lily up until she personally tells me to fuck off, right to my face,” he said. I smiled, ready to remind him of all the times Lily had done exactly that, but he continued talking. “I’m writing her a heartfelt letter asking for a second chance—” he held up a hand to stop me from debating that he was far past than a second chance. “And to make amends.” James stood and stared wistfully out the window. “To be friends,” he finished, smiling. 

Silence fell for a moment as I tried my hardest not to laugh at James, before a bark of a sound came from Peter, before he fell off the bed, before he stood up, bright red and almost pissing himself with laughter. James didn’t look amused. Peter locked eyes with me and… I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing too.  
“You are all animals,” James shouted. I wiped my eyes as Sirius stirred, groaning and looking up at the scene before him. When his eyes fell on me, standing upright and most likely red from laughter, he sat up.  
“Moony, are you—how are you feeling?” he asked, concerned. I grinned.  
“Fantastic,” I said. “Are we going down to breakfast now, or can I have a shower?” Sirius looked at me, dazed for a moment, before he smiled. And then glanced at the bathroom door. Oh no he did not, I thought, just as he stood and sprinted for the door. I got there before him, just, and locked myself in.  
“Moony!” he shouted, banging on the door. I smiled to myself, imagining James slipping a galleon from his drawer and betting on whether I would open the door or not. Pete always betted against it.  
“Nope. Nuh-uh, you take at least an hour just in the shower. What are you doing? Measuring your dick?” I shouted from the counter, where I splashed some water on my face, slightly dizzy from running. Someone—I guessed James—snorted from outside. My hair was messy from sleep, all my curls tangling around the others and falling onto my face. I needed a bloody haircut.  
“Oh, Moony, don’t act like you wouldn’t want to watch me measure my dick,” he said back. “Let me join you, at least?” he tried when I didn’t answer. I knew it was a joke, but I sure as hell wasn’t totally and completely picturing Sirius waiting for me in the shower and—  
“Not in a million years, Black,” I said, turning the water on. I stripped and didn’t wait for the water to get warm before I stepped straight under the ice-cold shower.

* * *

I made it through every class. I can’t say I focused on anything that was being taught, but I made attendance. And managed not to think about Sirius showering. At least no more than twice. By charms, though—the last class of the day—I could feel myself getting dizzier by the minute. I stayed until we were dismissed though, and made it back to the dorm before I collapsed on a bed—possibly not even my bed—and crashed before I could even pull the blanket over me.

Someone did, though. When I woke up, the dorm was empty, my shoes and tie were on the floor and I had two blankets over me. I must have been shivering. I remembered James talking about Quidditch training somewhere in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t be sure. Maybe they were just down in the common room playing chess. Without me. Because I was sick and I couldn’t be there. Just like I couldn’t be there for the Quidditch final in second year. Just like I couldn’t be there for the first Hogsmeade trip. Just like I couldn’t ever do anything and just like I was a burden on my friends because they were unlucky enough to get stuck in a dorm room with me. Remus fucking Lupin. Werewolf Moony McWerewolf. Fuck the moon. Fuck Greyback. Fuck my life...

I must have drifted back off to sleep because when I opened my eyes again, the room was dark. Well, mostly. The curtains were still open, like no one had been in the dorm since it was light. There was a clock on the wall above the door, but it was dark and always 13 minutes behind. I couldn’t be bothered trying to figure it out. The sky was getting darker, but there was still enough light to cast shadows over the Hogwarts ground and to dimly light the empty dorm room. Mostly empty. Except for me. I couldn’t get up, couldn’t move. I was hungry, too. But I felt sick at the same time. I felt everything, too much, all at once. Like one huge hit to the gut that lingered and cut my breath short for hours after. 

“No, shh, he’ll be asleep—”  
“Give me that—”  
“No, Pete. stop, I…” I sat up as their voices stopped and the door handle twisted. James and Peter stood in the door frame, looking at me. Peter smiled.  
“Hey, Remus,” he said, lifting the tray in his hands. The tray, which had food on it. Because… “We brought you some food,” he continued, moving toward me. “Figured you wouldn’t be up for the Great Hall and all.” I nodded and Pete set the tray don on my lap. A small plate of vegetables, a pile of roast beef, a bowl of vegetable soup and… and three massive pieces of chocolate cake. They'd gotten all my favourites, and even though they all took care of me every full moon, it still didn’t feel real. This, them, the cake… no, really, the cake looked toxic, it had that much chocolate in it. James smiled at the look on my face.  
“We did good,” he asked, more than said. I nodded before a wave of nausea hit me. I looked up at Pete, who was grabbing out the map, guiltily.  
“I don’t…” I looked down at the plate and picked at the vegetables with my fork. “I…” Pete turned and filled in the silence before my voice could get any thicker.  
“Hey, Moony,” he said, and I looked up. “It’s fine if you don't want to eat, it’s got a warming spell and it’s not like we went to that much trouble. James levitated it here for Merlin’s sake,” Pete huffed a laugh and I smiled slightly, swallowing my pride. James was smiling at me too, and I knew then that they weren’t pity smiles. These were my friends, my brothers. I would do the same for them, no question. I smiled back.

“Prongs can’t do charms for shit,” I laughed, dodging a half-assed swing from James. It was a lie, James was good at every class—excluding herbology and divination—and he was almost third in charms. Behind Sirius and Mary. Peter laughed and opened the map, quickly muttering the words to get it to work. “Are you looking for Sirius?” I asked, as James sat on my bed and took a piece of cake. I’d figured all three pieces weren’t just for me. James and him both nodded. Pete scanned the map before he quickly stood up and walked over to us, his finger pressed against the back corner of the library.  
“He’s… he’s with Marlene,” Pete said, showing us the map. James leaned forward, squinting at the page even with his glasses on. He opened his mouth to speak and cake sprayed all over the map. Pete and I both groaned in disgust as James smacked a hand over his mouth and laughed. I’d forgotten it already, though, as I spotted that Wormtail was right.  
“What could they possibly be doing in the library this close to curfew?” Pete muttered, closing the map and grabbing the other piece of cake. I shifted my position so Pete could get comfortable, and soon enough we were all stacked on my bed, James and Pete eating their cake.

“You don’t… you don’t think they’re back together, do you?” James asked. Looking up at the canopy of the bed. “Do you reckon that’s who he fancies?” I snorted.  
“Marlene’s gay,” I reminded them. Before James could cut in that Sirius said James would never guess, I added, “and she’s with Dorcas. Even if she’s bi, Marlene doesn’t strike me as the cheating type,” Pete and James hummed through a mouthful of cake in response. The light outside the dorm was flickering like people were walking past. Probably heading up to their own dorms. I bit my lip.  
“You’re right, Marlene’s gay, they’re just friends,” Pete agreed, setting half of his cake on the plate and moving toward his won bed. Marlene’s gay, they’re just friends. So why was my stomach churning?

I fell asleep to James—still lying at the end of the bed—and Peter’s voices floating between each other. My food sat next to me, untouched apart from Pete’s half-finished cake, still warm and inviting. 

* * *

I didn’t wake up until what looked like noon on the clock above the door. James and Pete must have brought me breakfast, too, because last night’s tray was gone and a new one was sitting beside my bed. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning and despite the lead feeling in my stomach, I figured I should try. Sometimes the moons were easy to deal with. They didn’t hurt beyond a dull ache through my body, and I could stomach all the food in the world. But then there were the bad months. I was restless but I didn’t want to move for fear of pain, I was hungry but felt sick to my stomach, I was hot and cold and dizzy and floating and falling all at once. My senses heightened sometimes, too. I could hear the thrum of James’ blood or smell Sirius’ cologne until it hurt my nostrils. Sometimes even my clothes felt too heavy on my body, the fabric rough against my skin and my hands itching to tear them off. It wasn’t that bad this month. I just didn’t have an appetite. The pain was tolerable. I’d taken two bites of my omelette before I put my fork down and stood to get dressed. The best cure for restlessness—and maybe the pain—was a distraction.

When I got down to the common room, everyone was talking amongst themselves. From a conversation I passed and James’ grim face, I figured it was something to do with quidditch. Something bad. I thought back. James had mentioned a practice match on Saturday… oh. A practice match against the Slytherins. I guessed we hadn’t won, then. I walked toward James and Pete, but I heard something about cheating and the Slytherins and decided I would only be intruding, so I turned around. I couldn’t see Sirius anywhere. Marlene and Dorcas were playing chess in a pair of armchairs by one of the arched windows, though. I hid last night’s thoughts in the back of my mind and walked over, stopping by the third armchair.  
“Mind if I sit?” I asked.

Dorcas turned to me, grinning. I’d admit now and probably never again that Dorcas was my first crush. Marlene was beautiful, of course, and most of the boys had been crushing on her until the fourth year when she’d broken up with Sirius and come out. Marlene floated, ethereal. Dorcas was more… grounded. Neither of the girls took any shit and they had no problem calling people out for doing the wrong thing. But while Marlene danced and laughed her way through life,loud and bright, Dorcas was quieter, duller, but shining. I think I fancied her because she reminded me of me, but with a grip on herself. Second year was horrible for me—full of self-doubt, fear and secrets. But Dorcas smiled at me in the hallway sometimes while everyone else just looked at my scars weirdly. It hadn’t lasted long and then Dorcas came out, anyway so…

“Yeah sure,” she said, smiling.  
“Who’s winning?” I asked, sitting in the chair and gesturing to the chessboard. Marlene grinned.  
“Me, obviously,” she bragged. “Dorcas is absolutely horrible at chess.” At the remark, Dorcas shoved Marlene lightly, opening her mouth in shock. “What? I’m not wrong!” Marlene exclaimed, smiling. Dorcas rolled her eyes and looked back to the board, trying to figure out her next move. When she looked up again, Marlene was looking right at her, green eyes glinting with… love, I realised. Something in my stomach shifted and it wasn’t from the lack of food. It was jealousy. I wanted that. So badly. With… with Sirius. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t even out to anyone beyond the Marauders and Lily. And Sirius was straight. So, frustratingly straight. 

I was feeling dizzy again, the energy I’d gotten after waking up immediately gone. Marlene looked over to me for a moment, narrowing her eyes.  
“Remus, are you okay?” she asked, leaning toward me. I flinched back and grunted, trying to breathe evenly. I cleared my throat.  
“I’m—yeah, I’m fine,” I said, gesturing for them to keep playing. The sun filtering in from the window and onto my chair was blocked suddenly and I looked up to see Mary, smiling kindly.  
“Hey, Remus,” she said. My gaze travelled down to her hands. She was holding a book I couldn’t focus on enough to read the title. I thought I could hear my blood. Maybe I was just going crazy. I tried to smile back at Mary, but I couldn’t vouch that that was what came out.  
“Hi,” I croaked. Marlene and Dorcas were finding their chess game a whole lot more interesting than they had before and I glanced over just in time to see Dorcas’ rook crumble. Mary stepped closer and started speaking.  
“So, I wanted to ask you something, um, there’s a Hogsmeade trip...” her voice was being drowned out by the rest of the common room, by people laughing and talking too loudly, by paper rustling and feet scuffing the carpet and Mary’s voice kept going and I couldn’t stand it. There was too much noise and I couldn’t stand it. “Remus,” she said, which somehow broke through the fog. I needed to go back to the dorm room, back to the quiet. “Remus, are you—“  
“Can you leave me alone for a _fucking minute?”_

The noise stopped. All of it. Like the entire room had heard me and gone silent. But people were still talking. The world was still spinning. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. I looked up at Mary, who was standing still, clutching her book, knuckles white. In my peripheral, I could see that Dorcas and Marlene were staring shamelessly. My gut shifted again.  
“Oh, um,” Mary’s words were quiet, like she was choking on them. “Yeah. Yeah, sorry,” she finished, spinning on her heel and walking away, her face bright red. Shit.  
“Mary! I—“ I cut myself off. She didn’t turn around and I didn’t know what I would say anyway. I sunk lower in my chair and locked eyes with Marlene, who was glaring.   
“What the fuck, Lupin?” she asked, flinging her arms up. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.  
“I’m sorry, I just—“  
“Don’t care. I’m not the one you should be apologising to.” Marlene’s voice was sharp, like one wrong word would have me on my ass in a matter of seconds. I didn’t want to test that. I nodded. “Say something like that to her again and I’ll bite your dick off,” she threatened, turning back to her game of chess. I nodded again, not wanting to test that either. When I tried to slide lower in the chair, Marlene spared me a quick glance. “Now go lie down, Remus. You look like shit.” I stood up before I could fuck things up any further and walked as fast as I could to the dorms. I was going to have to apologise to Mary when I could think straight. Fuck. Why did I always screw everything up? 

When I opened the dorm room door, Sirius spun toward me, like he hadn’t been expecting me. From the tear tracks running down his face, I took a wild guess and decided that he most definitely hadn’t been.  
“Uh, um, sorry,” I said, closing the door behind me. Sirius put his head down and sped to the bathroom, slamming the door closed. Sighing, I walked over to the door and sat against it. “Sirius? Did something happen?” I asked the door, hoping he might open it and reply. Instead, Sirius’ head thudded back against it, like he too was sitting against the door, too full of everything and nothing to move. I bit my lip, leaning fully back against the door. “I snapped at Mary before,” I told him, hoping it might get him out of the bathroom. He didn’t reply. I took a deep breath. “I was sitting with Marlene and Dorcas and she came over to ask me a question, but the full moon is soon and I felt dizzy and I... just snapped at her.” Sirius still didn’t say anything. “I feel like a dick, because she didn’t deserve it, she was just trying to…” I trailed off. What was Mary asking me? Was she—was she asking me out? “Oh shit.” I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but somehow it seemed to work.  
“What? Sirius asked, his voice thick. I cleared my throat like it might help Sirius.  
“Oh um, I think… I think Mary fancies me.” When I said it out loud, there was no way it was true. Sirius stood up and opened the door right before he fell into my arms. 

* * *

“Oh, alright,” I said, shifting Sirius’ weight onto me and half-carrying him to my bed. Not how I imagined it at all. Not that I… imagined… that. I pulled the blanket up over Sirius and sat next to him. He was lying on his back on the left side of my bed, looking away from me like he didn’t want to look me in the eye. “Are you… are you alright?” He scoffed, his eyes watering. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, pulling off my shoes and climbing under the blanket too. Sirius finally looked at me.  
“Which part?” he whispered. I thought back to my outburst the other day. I’d asked too much of Sirius and yet he was here again, willing to talk. To talk about anything. I wasn’t ready to talk about what I wanted to yet, though.  
“How about you tell me about whatever’s bothering you right now?” I suggested, turning my body to face Sirius. His mouth quirked to the side slightly and he nodded, wiping the tears from his cheeks. He took a deep breath like the words were a struggle.

“Reg hates me,” he said. I sat up.  
“What?”  
“I was just walking around the castle… I needed a minute,” he explained. I nodded. And I ran into him and—after my mother…” Sirius blinked slowly. “I ran away and I left Reg there and he won’t talk to me—he won’t even look at me,” he finished, clenching his eyes shut. From what I knew of Regulus, it didn’t sound like he could ever hate Sirius. The two boys had been closer before Hogwarts than even James and Sirius were now. Regulus had always looked up to Sirius. I guessed, until Sirius left.  
“Sirius, I don’t know fully what happened,” I spoke softly and resisted the urge to reach out to him, “but I do know that nothing could ever make you leave Regulus unless it was really, really bad,” I said. Sirius looked at me, his hair fanned out on the pillow around him. “You don’t have to tell me anything for me to know that. And I’m sure Regulus knows that too.” Sirius licked his bottom lip.  
“Then why won’t he look at me?” he asked and his voice was so pained, so desperate that I had to move closer to him. To wrap my arm around him. He shuddered and pulled me closer, somehow making me feel safe even while I was trying to comfort him.  
“I imagine it would be hard for Regulus. I mean, despite whether it was the necessary thing to do, he still lost his brother. He’s still stuck attending classes with people that don’t love him and that’s not your fault, Sirius, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to be a little upset.” Sirius looked up at me, long eyelashes fluttering. “I’m sure he still loves you, Sirius,” I whispered. “I’m sure of it.” Sirius nodded, like he couldn’t quite get the words out. After a while, he cleared his throat.

“What about you?” he asked. I wasn’t sure what he meant.  
“What?” Sirius took a deep breath and I could almost see him shoving his problems further down—for me.  
“Are you okay?” he asked, then shook his head. “No, that’s a stupid question,” he decided. “What’s bothering you?” I looked up at Sirius. His eyebrows were raised. He could see right through me. I decided telling him that he was what was bothering me probably wasn’t a good idea.  
“I’m fine,” I said, shrugging. “Just a bit weird because of the moon.” Sirius nodded like it made sense.  
“So Mary asking you out isn’t bothering you? Or you snapping at her?” Yes. Both of those things were pretty high on my reasons-why-I’m-bothered list. But it didn’t matter. Not now, at least. Not while I was finally this close to Sirius.  
“Like I said,” I started, closing my eyes, “the moon,” my words were drowned out by the sleepiness I could feel coming over me and Sirius’ soft chuckle. I fell asleep to the sound of his breathing and I hoped he’d done the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And Sirius was straight." hA,,, that's fUnny.
> 
> Sorry it's taken a while, and thanks for reading :)


	13. The Night Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus spends some time resting before the full moon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: panic attack, eating issues, homophobia and mentions of suicide.

I never slept well the night before a full moon. Unless I slept next to Sirius, apparently. I didn’t wake up once during the night. But once I did wake up, everything ached. I squinted my eyes and looked at the clock on the wall. About 7:40 am. I let my head fall back against the pillows carefully and groaned. My blanket was covering me from my chest down and every inch of the fabric seemed to prick my skin. It was too hot and too cold, too heavy and too light.

“Shush!” I heard from outside the door, just before it opened. The Marauders walked in, carrying another tray of food that I probably wasn’t going to eat. I hadn’t even realised they were gone, only that Sirius wasn’t in my bed anymore.  
“Oh, Moony, you’re awake,” Sirius said, coming forward with the tray in his hands. I nodded slightly, unable to move. Can you sit up?” he asked. I shook my head and looked up to James and Pete, still standing in the doorway, talking quietly. Or was it loud? It somehow seemed like they were yelling. I looked back at Sirius. He’d said something that I hadn’t heard.  
“What?” I croaked out, my throat raw. Sirius glanced back at James and Pete, whose voices were getting louder and louder, echoing around the room.  
“Do you want me to help you sit up?” he asked. I flinched, his voice loud and James and Pete’s voices loud and the blanket too rough against my skin and my breathing faltering and—  
“Why are you yelling?” I said and I think I was yelling myself. Everyone turned to face me and I closed my eyes and James said something and I think he was telling everyone to leave. Yes, I needed everyone out, out, “out!” I shouted. All three of them jumped. “Sorry—no—I…” Peter nodded and walked out, but when James went to leave, too, Sirius didn’t follow.  
“Sirius.” He didn’t budge. James moved forward and grabbed his arm. “Sirius, come on,” he said, gently. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. Trying not to—Fuck. 

My lungs stopped working and it was like I was choking on air and I couldn’t breathe and when I opened my eyes again I was sitting up and the blanket was scrunched up at the end of the bed and I didn’t know how and James was gone and Sirius was on my bed in front of me and he wasn’t touching me but he was looking at me, looking me in the eyes and breathing in, breathing out…  
“Hey, hey Moony, look here, okay?” he said, his voice nothing more than a whisper. I watched his face. “Breathe in,” he said and took a deep breath with me. I’m sure I was shaking but Sirius didn’t seem to mind. “Breathe out,” he said. I did. “In… and out…” In and out. In and out. In and out. Until Sirius’ breathing was all I could hear. Until I wasn’t shaking as badly. Until I could focus and see through the tears to the cup that Sirius was holding out to me.  
“Do you want some water?” he asked, holding the cup out and still not touching me. I glanced around the room. Everything was still back in place like nothing had just happened. Like all of the walls hadn’t just collapsed and I hadn’t just yelled at my best friends to fuck off. My mouth was full of ash, full of a burning taste. I took the water from Sirius, who must have picked it up from the breakfast tray on the table. I drank it, the first thing I’d consumed since the omelette yesterday. It hurt to swallow. Sirius didn’t say anything until I looked up at him. “Do you need anything?” he asked. It wasn’t a good idea, what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have said it.  
“You,” I whispered back. Sirius didn’t react. I bit my lip. “Stay?” I asked. He took a moment before he nodded. Hesitation. No reaction. I’d weirded him out. He stood up. No, he was going to go across the room and stay out of pity even though all he wanted was to be as far away from me as possible because he was grossed out and—

In a matter of seconds, Sirius had transformed into Padfoot and jumped back onto my bed. I felt a smile creep onto my face. Padfoot grabbed the blanket and held it in his mouth. I shook my head and he put it down. I slowly shifted so I could lie down again, Padfoot at my feet, his breathing even. I couldn’t sleep, but lying there like that, with Sirius, it calmed me. At least an hour had to have passed before I finally spoke. 

“Pads?” I said quietly, in case he was asleep. His head perked up, his tongue hanging out slightly. I smiled slightly and motioned for him to transform again. In just a moment, Sirius was seated cross-legged on my bed, his bun all messy from the movement. I looked away.  
“Can I do something?” Sirius asked. Not what’s wrong, not are you okay, not what do you want. Can I do something? Like he genuinely wanted me to say yes. My gut churned.  
“I just… I have a question,” I said, quickly adding, “and you don't have to answer, I was just thinking about it and it’s not important or anything but—“ Sirius cut me off with a single look.  
“Moony,” I looked up at him again, at his eyes. The light blue was shining through the grey in his eyes and it was beautiful. I mean, not that I was noticing those things… or anything. “Go ahead.”  
“You can tell me to shut up at any time,” I reassured him. He nodded. “I’m not going to…” I bit my lip. “I’m not going to ask what happened during summer,” I paused as Sirius sucked in a breath. He was withdrawing and I was asking stupid questions and—he breathed out. Nodded. “But, and if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but can you tell me what happened with Bellatrix… in potions that day?” That day. I didn’t even need to explain it. That day was horrible. I realised I’d been looking down at the blanket and quickly glanced back to Sirius. He wasn’t saying anything. I’d pushed too far. I almost told him not to worry—that I was sorry—when he opened his mouth and sighed.  
“The full truth?” he asked, looking me in the eye. I pulled my knees up to my chest and shrugged.  
“Only if you want,” I said. Sirius tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear. 

“I was late because of the stunt you pulled on my wand,” Sirius started bitterly, his hint of a smile contradicting the tone. Pete and I had noticed Sirius’ wand in his hair while he was looking for it at lunch and we decided to let him figure it out on his own and he went back to the dorm to look for it. I was starting to think that was a bad idea now. “But I also ran into Bella on the second-floor corridor.” Sirius’ eyes darkened. I almost reached out for his hand, but I remembered what happened in the hospital wing and...decided against it. Sirius kept talking. I noticed he didn’t have his earring in. I realised he hadn’t had it in for a while, actually. Maybe since… since we were planning the prank.  
“Your earring,” I said suddenly. Sirius jumped.  
“What?”  
“You’re not wearing your earring. Sorry, it doesn’t matter, I just realised and—keep talking, sorry,” I sputtered out. Sirius was confused. Understandably. He shrugged.  
“I noticed you looking at it and then I figured out why,” he said. He figured out why—he what? He knew I— “so I took it off because I remembered you’re allergic to silver and I felt like a huge dick for not realising, I’m sorry,” he said. What? I…  
“Sure, yeah, no, it’s okay, don’t feel bad, it’s okay,” I said. “I’m… I'm sorry, keep going,” I added, like it wasn’t a huge deal to me that Sirius had gotten rid of that earring just for me. For me. Wasn’t a big deal. I cleared my throat. 

“Right, so Bellatrix had me in a corner and that’s when she finally spoke,” Sirius continued. In a corner? Oh shit. “Like I said, she just said some bullshit about me being a disgrace to the family, how I was never welcome back, and...” Sirius looked up at me cautiously. I nodded.  
“It’s alright, you can stop,” I reassured him. Sirius looked at me for a moment before he—he took my hand. Linked our hands together like they’d been in the hospital wing. Sirius was holding my hand. I was almost grinning. Until I realised his expression had only grown darker. Until he said, “and then she said that if I knew what was good for me,” he took a deep breath, “I’d throw myself off the highest tower in the castle.” Fuck. Sirius closed his eyes and breathed out, carefully. I squeezed his hand. That was the day… the day that Sirius has come to the Astronomy Tower. And found me there.  
“Wait!” I shouted, though he was right next to me. Sirius jumped. “Did you… is that why… the tower?” I couldn’t get the words out.  
“What? Oh! No!” Sirius ran his hand through his hair, pulling it out of its bun. “I was honestly just coming up there to find you. I didn’t let Bella get to me. Although that was kind of why I acted so extremely about it,” he admitted. I squeezed Sirius’ hand again.  
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I said. “Seeing Bellatrix and finding me up there. That wasn’t an easy day for you and you were still there for me, Pads. So, I’m sorry, and thank you.” Sirius’ face softened into a smile.  
“You’re an idiot, Lupin. You’re my best mate, of course I’m going to be there for you,” he said, leaning over me and picking up a piece of cold toast from the breakfast tray. I let go of his hand and tried not to cringe. I also tried not to think about what Sirius had said. He might as well have just stamped it onto my forehead. 'You’re my best mate.' I smiled.

“Can I…” Sirius started talking around a mouthful of toast before he swallowed and tried again. “Can I ask you a question that you don’t have to answer?” he asked, drumming his fingers along his thigh. I bit my lip.  
“I mean, it’s only fair,” I replied, shrugging. I honestly had no idea what he was going to ask. It was going to be about Mary, probably. I still had to apologise to her. I still had to fix that screw-up. Sirius sighed.  
“Who’d you lose your virginity to?” he asked so fast the words seemed blurred. I choked. Not at all what I’d been expecting. When I didn’t say anything, Sirius’ eyes grew wide. “You don’t have to answer, I mean, it’s not like I care, I just thought that maybe… you know what? It’s—”  
“Kingsley,” I cut in. Sirius fell silent. His mouth formed a tight line. Because… oh. Because Kingsley was a guy. And saying you’re supportive and actually being supportive are two very different things. And Sirius didn’t seem very happy. Or particularly supportive.  
“Kingsley,” he said. I nodded.  
“Yeah, um, we dated, quietly, for a few months at the start of last year,” I said, just for something to fill the silence. I wished I had my blanket over me then, if only to cover myself from the exposure. Sirius didn’t say anything. I sighed. “Look, Sirius,” he looked up at me, “you know I’m into guys as well, and I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable but…” I didn’t want to say it. “You said you were okay with it and right now you don’t seem to be,” I spat out. Sirius watched me, confused.  
“What? Oh! Oh, no, that’s not—I’m not—no,” he said, like that would make sense to me. I shifted, my back stringing slightly in the process. I pulled a face. “I’m trying to say that I’m okay with it,” he said. “I’m more than okay with it, Remus. Like I said, you’re my best mate and I love you no matter what, yeah?” he promised, raising his eyebrows. Something in my gut churned and I wasn’t sure if it was in a good or bad way.  
“Okay, so what’s the problem, then?” I asked, raising my eyebrows back at him.  
“Nothing.” I gave Sirius a look. “Okay fine, I just… I guess I wish you felt like you could tell me things like that,” he said, leaning back against one of the posts on my bed. Oh. “Obviously, you don’t have to tell me anything but I—”  
“No, no, that makes sense, I just… I don’t know. I think I just assume everyone’s going to hate me for it,” I admitted, running a hand through the tangled knots of my hair. “There’s, you know, a lot of homophobia ingrained into the world and… I don’t know…”  
“Even though we say we accept it, you think we might still be weird about it?” Sirius asked. I nodded, surprised that he was able to guess exactly what I’d been thinking. Sirius linked our hands again.  
“Well, I’ll never hate you, Moony. And especially not because of your sexuality. I solemnly swear to that,” he said, his free hand over his heart. I smiled through the thickness in my throat. 

“Can I ask you another question?” I asked, glancing at Sirius. He smiled and a strand of hair fell out of his bun when he moved.  
“If you’re going to ask who I fancy,” he said and I groaned. He knew me too well. “Then I suggest picking another question.” I laughed.

* * *

I managed to eat a late lunch—a few pieces of bread and butter that at least calmed my nausea if anything—before I stepped out of the blanket cocoon I’d been in all day to meet with Madam Pomfrey. She fussed over me for a record total of fifteen straight minutes before she finally walked me down to the Shack. I’ll admit I was leaning on her more than I would have most full moons. Professor McGonagall—or rather her cat form—was waiting for us by the Whomping Willow, and with a curt nod—a sight that had taken me a while to get used to from a cat—she ran under the flying branches and placed her paw on the knot that stilled the tree. Madam Pomfrey laid me down on the bed in the shack and made me drink the bottle of water she brought before she made me swallow two different potions that were to help with the pain. Madam Pomfrey was always trying something new each month, hoping she could at least ease the pain, if not cure me. I had very little hope for a cure at this point…

Madam Pomfrey finally left after casting some extra containment spells and I waited for a moment to check that she wasn’t coming back before I knocked lightly on the bed frame three times. James, Pete and Sirius came up the stairs from wherever they’d been hiding and carefully piled onto the bed around me. We laid there like that, the minutes ticking, my brain too loud to comprehend the boys’ whispers, before Pete shifted closer to me.

“How are you feeling?” Pete asked. I scoffed. “Okay, that’s fair, but how bad is the pain? Is there anything we can do?” he asked, which caught Sirius and James’ attention. I shook my head slightly.  
“No, I think Madam Pomfrey’s potion is working for now,” I told them, which was, for the most part, true. I wasn’t in the usual amount of pain and I didn’t feel all that dizzy, so it had to at least somewhat be working. But I knew it wouldn’t hold out for the transformation. That pain was impossible to ease. It was a brutal and horrifying pain that I couldn’t even begin to describe. The Marauders had asked me about it a few times, and I never knew how to answer. Unfathomable, I settled on. Pete shrugged from next to me.  
“Alright,” he said, “that’s good then.” He pulled a bar of Honeydukes chocolate from his pocket and broke a piece off for me.  
“Mm, thank you,” I got out through the thickness in my mouth. It was, without a doubt, some of the best chocolate I’d ever had. But I could feel the ache filling my body. Pete must have realised what the time was. I looked out of the barred window. It was nearly sundown.  
“You guys have had dinner, right?” I asked. They’d been gone when I’d woken in the dorm and left for the hospital wing, but for all I knew, they could have just been down here the whole time. Pete nodded.  
“Yeah, Prongs wouldn’t budge until he’d eaten three plates of dinner,” Sirius said, pulling a face at James, who widened his eyes back.  
“What? I’m a growing boy,” he said sheepishly, pushing his glasses up his face. I bit my lip to hide a shout of pain from the worsening ache in my back.  
“Yeah, alright Pinnochio,” Sirius said, smirking. I would have laughed if it weren’t for the pulsing through me like it was ingrained in my blood.  
“I’m a real boy,” I gritted out through clenched teeth. James looked at me and I mistook his concern for confusion. “Pinocchio...says ‘I’m… a real b..oy...not growing—ah fuck,” I finished, reaching for the closest hand. Peter. “Shit, sorry.” I pulled my hand from Pete’s knowing he wasn’t that fond of touch or physical affection, but he grabbed my hand again.  
“I’m here for you, okay Moony?” he reassured me, looking me in the eye. I tried to nod, but I couldn’t move beyond the jolts of my body from the sharp stabbing I was starting to feel in my stomach.  
“Transform,” was all I said back, feeling my knuckles start to shift. None of the boys moved besides Pete letting go of my hand. “Ah! Ow—Now!” I yelled, and James and Pete changed. Sirius stood there for a moment longer though, just looking me in the eye. I could hear my yelling like I was a distance away from my body, but I could still feel every twitch of bone, every stretch of skin. Wormtail was tugging at Sirius’ trousers to get his attention, to get him to transform before I did. Somehow, though, time seemed to slow while Sirius was looking at me. Like his gaze was a relief from the pain. Scratch that—like his gaze was my cure. I yelled a string of curses as a bone in my wrist snapped. Sirius inched forward but I yelled again, and Prongs was stamping his legs. Sirius had some common sense, at least. He bit his lip and finally dragged his eyes from mine. 

It was like the pain had slingshotted back the instant I left Sirius’ gaze. I yelled out as my bones fractured, as my whole structure shifted, grinding me, snapping me, breaking me into a monster. I wasn’t sure if I was even yelling anymore, all I could hear were the breaks and groans of my bones, the pump of my blood in my ears. I couldn’t see the Marauders either. I think my eyes were clenched shut. The pain was killing me. This was going to be it. The transformation that finally did it. I screamed out as I felt my spine twist and I fell back against the wooden floor with a thud.

Everything went black.

* * *

The sun was glaring into my eyes. I didn’t want to move, didn’t want to know if I was dead or alive or injured or fine. I was guessing I wasn’t dead. The Shrieking Shack was the last place I would think of as paradise. Although it would make sense that I was in hell. But no, I was just spacey from the moon, from the blow to the head that I could feel in the form of a dull ache by my neck. I could hear something on the pillow beside mine. Wormtail was curled up asleep there and he was starting to sit up. Like on cue, Sirius and James stirred too, rubbing at their eyes and stretching. Padfoot, asleep at the end of the bed, transformed first. He was still rubbing at his eyes, but he started coming toward me. Sirius paled.

“What?” I asked, looking down. James and Pete followed suit and transformed out of their animagus form.  
“Oh, Moony,” James muttered. Pete and him were looking at me weird, too. “What?” I asked again. No one said anything. The three of them were staring at me. I furrowed my brows but winced when a bolt of pain coursed through me. Sirius looked like he was going to fall over. “What?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :))


	14. The Thing In The Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happened to Remus during the full moon, something that only his friends can help him with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: descriptions of child abuse.
> 
> Welp. It's been a hot minute. I'm sorry, but here's something, please forgive me :)

I was never stepping foot outside this dorm room ever again. Scratch that, I wasn’t even going to leave the bathroom. I’d been in here for an hour already, just staring. Staring and staring and staring. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from that _thing_ in the mirror. Yes, the bathroom would do well. I could get some blankets and sleep in the bathtub. And if I ever wanted to leave, well I’d catch sight of what was keeping me here and I’d remember. I sat down in the middle of the bathroom and crossed my legs. The paint in the corner of one of the walls was cracked and the tiles were cool against my legs. I thought back to the week after the last full moon, to the night Sirius and I had sat on the floor of the bathroom like this after Sirius had a nightmare. I huffed a laugh. _I was the nightmare now_. I was the thing that we learnt about in defence against the dark arts. I was the scar on James’ hip, Pete's neck, Sirius' back after a bad full moon. I was everything my father always said I was going to be. I was a monster. There was a knock on the door.

“Moony?” It was Pete. I didn’t reply. He sighed and from what it sounded like, sat down on the other side of the door. “For what it’s worth, I think you look really cool. Maybe even cooler than James,” he said. I turned to face the door, the mirror hanging on the back of it staring me down. I didn’t look cool. I had an ugly, long slash across my face. Madame Pomfrey had made it better, healed it over somewhat, but there was no hiding that. There was no avoiding the stares and hushed comments. My eyes started burning. My face was now a constant reminder of who I really was, of _what_ I really was. And I couldn’t cover it up with sweaters and jeans. There was no getting rid of this one. I cleared my throat.  
“Thanks, Pete,” I croaked out, though his words didn’t help. He didn’t say anything for a minute.  
“Look, I— can I come in?” he asked carefully. My eyes shifted up to the door handle, the lock on it. I figured I might as well get it over and done with. Pete was going to open the door, see me looking worse than he remembered, and he was going to freak out and leave. I unlocked the door. Braced myself. Peter stepped forward and hugged me.  
“Oh,” I said, surprised. Pete had… he saw me… and he… “You don’t have to—I know you don’t really like hugs,” I said, the only words I could form.  
“Oh shut up, Remus,” he said, hugging me tighter. It hit something in me. I was an idiot. These boys—my best friends—illegally become animagi for me. They stood up for me against anyone. They spent almost all of their time looking after me, making sure I ate, bringing me chocolate, taking notes for me in class. Of course. Of course they wouldn’t hate me for a scar. I couldn’t say the same for the rest of the school. “Are you going to be okay?” Pete asked, stepping back and looking me in the eyes. Okay to leave the dorm? No. Okay to look at myself in the mirror? No. What was he asking? I loosed a breath and nodded anyway. 

“Okay, would you like to come and get lunch?” I froze. No. No, I wasn’t leaving this room, I wasn’t going to deal with all of the sneers and snide comments. No.  
“I—do I—I don’t think—that prob—”  
“Hey, hey Moony,” Pete said, hand gently closed around my wrist. The feel of his skin, cool against the heat of mine, jerked me back to my senses. “You don’t need to come to the great hall. We could go to the kitchen,” he said. “Or...or you could stay here, Prongs and I will go to the kitchen, yeah?” he offered, eyebrows raised. I blinked away the burning in my eyes and swallowed.  
“Yeah,” I choked out. “Yes, please.” Peter nodded and opened the door behind him, edging his way out. “You wanna come and lie down? It’s just us in here. It’s just the marauders.” Peter’s voice was calm, careful. The marauders. My family. I took a deep breath and nodded, slowly stepping out of the bathroom. I knew better than to believe that James and Sirius had been reading the muggle magazine they were looking at the whole time, but I appreciated the effort nonetheless. Their gazes stayed away from me until I was neatly bundled in my blanket, but soon James stood and followed Pete out of the dorm and Sirius made his way over. I laid on my back, looking up at the canopy, while Sirius balanced himself on the end of the bed, his back against the bedpost. He didn’t say anything for a while, just sat there with me, his thigh pressing against my ankle. I shifted onto my side, the movement hurting slightly until I got settled.

“You know, one time, when I was a kid, Reg and I decided to play hide and seek at one of Mother's meetings.” Sirius pulled his knees up to his chest and the lack of his touch left my feet cold. “She held biannual meetings. They were disguised as balls, where all the pureblood families that still believed in that bullshit would come all dressed up and half-drunk on over-expensive alcohol.” I shoved my hand under my pillow to prop my head up. “She always made such a huge fuss over us looking and acting perfect. We needed to be prim and proper, like she was setting us up to breed from childhood. ‘Toujours Pur, enfants.’ That was her substitute for ‘I love you.’” Sirius laughed bitterly and dropped his hand onto his lap. I closed my eyes. “We were at this ball and all the important people were upstairs for that meeting and Reg and I were supposed to be in the ballroom, on our best behaviour.” I scoffed.  
“I don’t think you’ve ever been on your best behaviour,” I croaked out. Sirius huffed another laugh.  
“I was so bored and just as some second cousin that was probably getting married to one of my first cousins—” I laughed— “spilt red wine on her dress, I couldn’t deal with it anymore, so I suggested we play hide and seek.” Sirius looked over to me. I didn’t know if it was because of the full moon, because of the scar, because I was just too desperate, but I motioned for him to come closer. He crawled over to me and I sat up while he sat where my two pillows were and replaced one of them back on his lap. I laid my head down on the pillow—on Sirius’ lap—and he started trailing his fingers gently through my hair. I closed my eyes again.  
“Long story short, my dumb ass ended up hiding in the meeting room.” I opened my eyes wide and looked up at him. Sirius laughed. “Yeah. That didn’t go too well. Mother… She always used curses on me for punishment. But, every now and then, if she got angry enough, she’d give me a traditional punishment.” Sirius’ voice was growing thick and so, eyes closed, I reached for the hand he was still trailing through my hair and linked it with mine. I heard him gulp. “She was never one to be too obvious. She always left scars where they’d be hard to see, or cut small enough that it could be healed easily. But this one time, she was blind with rage. It made no sense, I’d done way worse things than walk into the wrong room before, but… I don’t know. She was just so angry. I was sent to my room and once the meeting was over and everyone had gone home, she walked in and…” Sirius shifted slightly and I sat up, watching his hands trail the cuff of his right sock. 

He pulled it off and it occurred to me then that I’d almost never seen Sirius barefoot. I’m sure if I had, I would have remembered the long, thin lines across the soles of his feet. I swallowed and looked back up at Sirius. He was biting at his lip.  
“She… uh,” he cleared his throat. “She told me I wouldn’t be walking in any place I wasn’t welcome again.” I swore. “Couldn’t stand for a few weeks while it healed…” Sirius ran a hand through his hair and crossed his legs, sitting up to face me. I didn’t know what to say but apparently, Sirius didn’t need to hear any condolences. “I usually don’t have that much trouble with my scars because… it’s easy to ignore them, but there are still things I do, like always wear socks, or…” Sirius sighed. “What I’m trying to say is that… I know you don’t want your scars on display, I know that’s why you wear sweaters and long pants and drown yourself in clothing all the time. I know you can’t cover this one, and I know how much this scar must really... fucking suck, frankly.” I huffed a laugh, nodding. Sirius took both of my hands in his and squeezed. “But, Remus, you’re still you. You’re still smart, and funny, and kind, and so mean to me, all of the time,” Sirius smiled and I shoved him weakly. “I need you to know that nothing will ever change that. _Especially_ not a scar.” I’d been staring at our linked hands the entire time, trying not to look Sirius in the eye, but eventually, my gaze drifted and… “Plus, if anyone says anything, I’ll put on my fancy rings and hit them across the jaw.” I smiled. “Really, Remus, all that matters to me—to us, is that you’re okay. We’ll love your rude ass forever.”  
“You promise?” I asked to Sirius’ grey eyes. He smiled and nodded. “And you promise I can keep being mean to you forever?” Sirius pulled me down with him when he fell back on the bed, his arms wrapped around me and laughter drifting out of him.  
“Yeah, Moony. I promise you can be mean to me forever,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for waiting so long, lol my life is so together :)


	15. Tummy Troubles

“Do you think a love potion would work on Lily?” James asked, books heavy at his side. I rolled my eyes and took some of them. “Hey! Hey, no, I’m holding your books for you whether you like it or not, Moons,” he said, snatching them back. I smiled and ran a hand through my hair.  
“I don’t think Lily would let you within ten feet of any food or drink she’d be consuming, so no.” James glared at me. “And give me some books, we don’t want you to hurt your shoulder before the big quidditch game, Jamie,” I returned, shoving my hands in my pockets. James shoved me with said shoulder.  
“Don’t even joke about that, Moony. You take it back!” he ordered, turning a corner. I didn’t say anything. “Take it back!” he shouted louder and I laughed.  
“Okay, fine. I take it…” I didn’t finish, not when I saw Mary walk out of the library, in conversation with Alice. She didn’t see me at first, I could have left it at that, but I had to say something. I cleared my throat.

“Hey, Mary, can I talk to you?” I asked, shifting awkwardly on my feet. James stood a few steps ahead of me, looking at Alice, who was just as still. Mary bit her lip.  
“Oh, um, I was…” she took a deep breath. “Yeah, okay, sure,” she said, turning to Alice. “I’ll meet you at the dorm?” she asked. Alice nodded, taking Mary’s books for her and walking back toward the Gryffindor tower. I nodded at James, who walked into the library without another word. I loosed a breath and looked at Mary. Her arms were crossed, eyes aimed to the ground. I didn’t say anything for a moment—I couldn’t form the words—and she looked up. Her eyes traced my face, only for a moment.  
“Are you… okay?” she asked quietly. Oh. The scar. I nodded.  
“Yeah, I… it’s a long story, but um… Mary, I just wanted to apologise—for snapping at you.” She nodded. My hands were still shoved into my pockets, the wool inside scratching against my knuckles. “Um, I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t mean it, and I took it out on you and, yeah. I’m really sorry,” I said. Mary nodded.  
“Okay, thank you,” she said. I smiled. “Um…” she stepped away, “I’ve got to go, Alice is expecting me,” she said pointing over her shoulder with her thumb.  
“Oh, yeah, of course,” I said. “I’ll… see you around.” Mary smiled.  
“Yeah, see you around,” she repeated. “Bye, Remus.” I waved.

“How’d she take it? She forgive you?” James asked when I walked into the library. We headed for a desk at the back, away from everyone else.  
“Uh, she probably hates my guts, but I think she took pity on me,” I said gesturing to the scar. "I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't forgive me." James gave me a pat on the shoulder.  
“I’m sure she only slightly _dislikes_ your guts,” he said in comfort. I shook my head at him and sat down.  
“So, you needed help with homework?” I asked, reaching for his book. James bit his lip.  
“Well… it’s more of… an extracurricular learning experience,” he said, unrolling some parchment. I looked down at it. There were names scratched onto it, scribbled out, and connected, all pointing to…  
“No. No, James, I’m not helping you figure out who Sirius fancies,” I said, shoving my hands into my pockets. James crossed his arms.  
“Why not?” he whined. “Don’t you want to know?” I sighed.  
“‘Course I do, but it’s your bet. Figure it out yourself.” James huffed and rolled the parchment back up, running his hand through his hair.  
“Fine. Defense homework?” James asked, handing a different roll of parchment to me. I smiled.  
“That, I can help with,” I said, and opened my textbook. 

“Hey, did you ever get that letter to Lily?” I asked once we’d finished the first two paragraphs. James saw right through the feigned disinterest and rolled his eyes.  
“I did not. You guys all made fun of me, so…” he trailed off, burying his nose in the textbook. I doubted he was actually reading it. I placed my hand over the pages and pushed it down, forcing James to look up at me.  
“James. Jamie. Prongs. Potter.” James raised his eyebrows. “You know it was only that, right? Fun?” I pulled my knees up to my chest, glad we were out of sight of Madam Pince. “I’m sorry I made fun of you,” I said. “I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid.” James looked down at his shoes. “Hey, I think it’s really great that you want to try to be friends with Lily.” He looked up.  
“Really?” he asked. I nodded.  
“Really,” I said. “And I think she would love being friends with you if she wants to give you the chance. You’re an awesome friend, Prongs. And an even better brother.” James smiled.  
“Aw shucks, Moony. I might cry,” he said, his voice thick. I laughed and stole the textbook back from him.  
“Wouldn’t be homework if there weren’t a few tears shed,” I said. James laughed and grabbed the parchment. 

“So, the letter?” he asked.  
“No. Definitely not the letter,” I said, wincing. “Try talking to her. Y’know, without malfunctioning.” James leaned over and flicked me.

* * *

The rest of the week was… definitely something. I’d gotten my fair share of odd looks and obnoxious questions. I probably should have felt honoured; even Bellatrix bothered to approach me and ask what ‘that thing on your face’ was. It was mostly over by now, especially with the first Quidditch match of the year tomorrow. Saturday, 10am, Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff. 

James would not shut up about it.  
“They have McMillan, we’ve got to watch out for her,” he muttered to himself, pulling his tie loose. Peter rolled over from his spot on his bed and shoved his pillow over his head.  
“There is no _we_ , James. I don’t _play_ quidditch. I don’t _like_ quidditch. I don’t need to _hear_ about quidditch _all the damn time_!” he said, huffing in annoyance. Sirius snorted from his own bed. James only glared and started working on his shoelaces.  
“Well I, personally, would love to hear more about it,” I said, winking at Pete, who glared harder than James. “I mean,” I looked over to James and smiled. “What’s so special about McMillan?” James pulled his shoes off and jumped up next to Peter.  
“Oh,” he started, while Peter tried to, quite literally, kick him off the bed. “Well she’s really fast, y’know?” I nodded, ignoring Sirius’ snickering from his own bed. “It’s like she can be in two places at once,” he said. “I’ll grab the quaffle from her and suddenly she’s right where I’ve thrown it.” I nodded some more while Pete had opted to just whine one long, continuous groan right next to James. “Shut up, Wormtail,” he said, shoving him away. I grinned at Peter, who stuck the finger up from behind James. “Y’know, if I didn’t hate her so much, I might even say she’s a good chaser,” James considered, thinking to himself.  
“Is that right?” I asked. James made a noise in agreement. “Well, that’s quite big of you,” I said. Pete had started mocking me. I smiled.  
“Alright, Sirius and I have a chess game to play, why don’t you fill Pete in on the things you need to watch out for with Harrison? I suggested, moving over to Sirius. Grinning, he stood and followed me, winking at Pete who was silently protesting as much as he could. James nodded and turned to Pete.  
“Wormtail, are you...have you got tummy troubles?” he asked, concerned at the pain on Pete’s face. I pushed Sirius out of the door before I could choke.  
“Tummy troubles?” Sirius got out, sending the both of us into fits of laughter. It was a surprise we made it down the stairs. 

“What are you two going on about?” Lily asked, walking up to us with an eyebrow raised. I took a look at Sirius and grinned. “What? What? What? What? _What?_ ” Lily insisted, poking my arm.  
“Whew, um, just uh, teasing James,” I said.  
“Ruining Pete's life,” Sirius added. I snorted. “And how are you doing on this fine Friday afternoon, Evans?” he asked, taking her hand. Lily snatched it away before Sirius could bring it to her lips and cringed.  
“Has Potter’s... aura or something creeped into you somehow?” she asked. Sirius laughed and said something, but I couldn’t tear my gaze from Lily’s hand. There was no way he… Sirius didn’t… He couldn’t… Oh Merlin. 

_Sirius was in love with Lily_.


	16. That’s Just Homophobic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus only wanted to get to the quidditch game, but instead, all of his secrets were spilled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of homophobia

Everything about it made sense. The reluctance to tell James—to tell any of us. The late nights with Marlene, probably talking about Lily’s...interests or whatever. The reason he hadn’t asked her out—because he couldn’t do that to James. Oh no. Oh Merlin, oh no. It made sense. Since September, Sirius’ stupid crush had been all I wanted to know, all I could think about. But now...I would’ve wished to know anything but that. Lily. Lily Evans. Oh Merlin no. 

“Remus?” I looked up. Pete was hovering over me, his Gryffindor scarf wrapped around his neck at least three times. “You okay, mate?”  
“What? Um, yeah,” I said. I looked down at my shoes. I’d stopped tying them halfway through.  
“Okay, you sure? I’m more than happy to take you to the Hospital Wing, anything to get out of this bloody quidditch game” he offered, muttering the last part. I smiled up at him.  
“No, uh, yeah I’m fine.” I tied my shoelaces and stood up. “Where’s Sirius?” I asked. James had left for the locker rooms twenty minutes ago—he always showed up way too early, it was a pre-game ritual from first year when he’d gotten the times mixed up but still won the game.  
“He’s waiting with Marls and Lily down in the common room,” Pete said. “Remember? He left five minutes ago—you sure you’re okay?” I blinked and ran a hand through my hair. Common room. Marls and Lily. Lily. I nodded.  
“Yeah, sorry, I’m just tired,” I said and headed for the door. Pete shook his head.  
“Maybe if you didn’t stay up so late, this wouldn’t be a problem, Moony,” he said, following me down the staircase. I laughed.  
“Okay, mum.” He flicked me in the back of the head. “Ow!”

“Hey Remus,” Lily stepped forward, smiling. I waved. “Pete,” she said and started talking to him. Sirius was leaning against the wall next to the portrait door talking to Marlene. I rolled my shoulders and walked over. Marlene saw me first and gave Sirius a look. I tried to ignore it.  
“Remus! What took you so long?” Sirius asked, waiting for Marlene to make it out of the portrait. I smiled and followed her out.  
“Forgot how to tie my shoelaces, apparently,” I laughed. Sirius furrowed his brow.  
“What?” he asked. I shrugged and walked over to Marlene, needing that conversation to end as quickly as possible.

“Hey, Lupin,” she said, linking her arm with mine. She was wearing her quidditch gear, minus the red robe, which she’d replaced with her black school robes. “It’s freezing.” she used her free hand to pull up her hood as if to emphasise her point.  
“Hey. How’s everything going?” I asked, sniffling. I could feel the wind coming from the two double doors that led out to the quidditch pitch. It was only mid-November, but apparently winter had decided to come early. At least Pete wouldn’t complain about the rain this time. It was dry outside, the sun shining but doing nothing to warm the air.  
“It’s good,” Marlene said, smiling. “I heard you apologised to Mary,” she said, nudging me. I groaned.  
“Uh-huh, I think she hates my guts. I mean, rightly so,” I said, shrugging. Marlene shook her head.  
“Idiot,” she muttered. I blinked. “Mary does not hate you,” she said, almost laughing.  
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused. Marlene turned and stopped walking. She rolled her eyes.  
“I’ll give you a minute to think.” I stared blankly. “Boys,” she muttered again. I opened my mouth to say something but Marlene cut me off. “Do you hate Mary?” she asked, continuing walking. I sputtered, looking behind me. Pete, Sirius and Lily were all talking, not paying attention to us at all.  
“No,” I said, “ Not at all.” Marlene smiled.  
“So you fancy her?” she asked, grinning. I felt my eyes widen.  
“What? I—what?” Marlene linked her arm with mine again and patted my shoulder. Oh. So I was right. Mary did fancy me. At least before I yelled at her for no reason.  
“I’m teasing you, Lupin,” she said, still grinning. I shuffled my feet. “Do you fancy anyone? You don’t have to tell me who,” she said. I considered. I didn’t have to tell her who. It might be nice to finally tell someone that I was at least interested in someone. I shoved my free hand into my pocket.  
“Uh, I—yeah. I kinda do,” I admitted. Marlene widened her eyes. “But, I’m not going to say who.” She nodded, looking down at her feet. I looked over at her. The cold was turning her nose and cheeks red. She kept glancing over to me. I caved. 

“Ugh, fine. One question. And not—”

“Not who it is, got it! Oh okay um…” she thought about it while I watched, amused. She glanced up at me, then back away again. “Are they, uh, what gender?” she asked, cheeks flushing. I coughed.  
“Oh, um, I—” My own cheeks burned and I pulled the sleeves of my robes over my knuckles.  
“Sorry!” Marlene half-shouted, pulling her arm from me. “Oh, Merlin, I didn’t mean I think you’re... gay or anything, I... was just—sorry if I upset you. Merlin,” she exclaimed, arm crossed. I furrowed my brow.  
“Marlene... I’m not mad,” I said, edging closer. The others had stopped walking a little behind us. I motioned for them to keep going. Sirius smiled at me. “Marlene.” She looked up at me. “Marls, why would I be mad?” I asked, placing a hand on her arm. She shook her head slightly, running her hands over her hair.  
“I just…” she trailed off. “Oh, it’s...some people can be kind of...defensive when it comes to—stuff like that,” she said, looking away from me.  
“Getting mad at you for thinking they might be gay?” I asked. Marlene nodded. I wasn’t used to seeing her this dishevelled. “Marls, that’s not defensive, that’s just homophobic,” I said. She scoffed. I opened my arms for a hug and Marlene smiled, hugging me back.

“So you’re not mad—uh, I mean, homophobic?” she asked. I laughed.  
“No, I…” I paused for a minute and Marlene raised her eyebrow. I took a deep breath. “The person I like,” I said, “is actually a guy.” I swore Marlene’s jaw dropped. I bit my lip. “Uh, yeah, I’m bi,” I said. Marlene was grinning from ear to ear before she hugged me again. “Oh, ow, actually you’re hurting me,” I said, and Marlene let go.  
“Sorry, sorry I just...ah!” she shouted. I laughed again.  
“Yeah.” I felt good. I’d finally told another person. I’d told someone else and it felt good.  
“Who else knows?” she asked, linking her arm with mine again. We started walking. “Uh, Sirius, Pete, James and Lils,” I said and Marlene squeezed my arm. I stopped her again. “Okay look, I...this is going to sound—”  
“I won’t tell anyone,” she said, eyes fixed on me. I loosed a breath and smiled. Marlene grinned back. “So, do I get another question in celebration?” she asked. I rolled my eyes and started walking toward the quidditch pitch.  
“No. Not at all,” I said, and Marlene hit me in the shoulder.

Dorcas was waiting at the entrance of the pitch when we got there, and she immediately reached out for Marlene’s hand and pulled her closer. Marlene was practically jumping up and down. She looked to me for permission and, reluctantly, I nodded.  
“Remus fancies someone! Remus fancies someone!” she shouted. Dorcas looked over to me with wide eyes.  
“Oh really? Is she in Gryffindor?” she asked. I didn’t say anything. Neither did Marlene. I knew she wouldn't tell even Dorcas until I said she could. “Is it Marlene?” Marlene stuck her tongue out and squeezed Dorcas’ hand.  
“What? No,” I said, though I smiled. Dorcas thought for a moment.  
“James?” she asked. I snorted. “Okay fine. Then I’m out of options,” she said. Marlene rolled her eyes and kissed Dorcas, before following her into the locker rooms. “I will find out though, Lupin, if it’s the last thing I do!” Dorcas shouted behind her. I smiled and turned to make my way up the stairs to find where everyone was sitting, but when I turned, Peter was already there waiting for me.

“You fancy someone?” he asked, smirking.

_Oh, shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
